Denying Fear (possibly rambling)

**"She knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would never physically hurt her.
"But deep down, in places where reason didn't exist, it didn't matter. Some fears remained, and they gnawed at her peace of mind, keeping her from true freedom."**
pg 298, Lori Foster's *A Perfect Storm*

I wrote this quote down and will shortly hang it on my bedroom door, but I felt I had to share. I bought this book yesterday, and have since finished it (am a huge bookworm). It is one I feel a great connection with, as I have with many Lori Foster books, not because I went through the same terrible childhood the main female did (her father sold her to sex traffickers for some drugs) but because there are a few strong things about her character and personality I can relate to.

But I didn't post this to compare her characters to myself. I started writing to explain that fear is perfectly normal. It could possibly even be categorized as healthy. If you aren't afraid of anything, then what are your goals for life? I do not believe you can be fear-free and so completely sure of yourself that you can do anything you please without hesitation.

Deep, deep down, you are scared of something. I'm talking waaaay down in your soul, you have a gut-instinct fear of doing something. Underneath the person you show everyone every day. Underneath your subby self or your Dom self. Maybe it's even a teenie-tiny molecule in the very middle of that floating ghost-like thing Harry Potter says is your soul. But you have a fear.

I have quite a few, most of which keep being stirred up this past week, either by a discussion group I sit in online or by nightmares I occasionally have.

Like Lori Foster's Arizona Storm, I have a fear of small, enclosed spaces, especially ones that lock. Afterall, if the wrong person holds the key to that lock, my life could easily be over. The same with being mummified or bound so completely that I have no escape route, no way to move or even wiggle.

I've come to terms with my fears, by which I mean that I've accepted that I'm terrified of both. I may not like admitting to them, but I no longer deny them. (It was extremely hard to deny my fear when someone planted the image in my head of me wrapped in saran wrap on the floor and I was thrown into a full blown panic attack.)

Even though that mental image put Master in control of the situation, standing over me and watching every millisecond, I am still terrified of the predicament. And that is okay.

As the submissive in the relationship, I (and you others as well) am ultimately responsible for myself. I've *given* Him the control, I *willingly* follow His orders and rules. But underneath that inner subby voice is also another one I've only recently stopped ignoring.

She says, "I am scared. Be very careful."

Though that voice is small and buried deep, the statement rings true. Don't deny your fear. Fear is an emotion, a very basic one, and it makes us human. Even though it does not sit well with me that there are situations where I could not turn over complete control to my Master or follow an order that stirred up down-to-the-bone fear, I've come to terms with it, and I hope He can as well.

Appartengo a mi Lupo <3

Pet vs Submissive

I’ve been thinking lately about the differences (in my opinion, of course) between a pet and a submissive. And I’ve been seeing definite differences. As purely his submissive, I believe I would be doing much more serving and cleaning, following orders and not being allowed to make sarcastic remarks and bratty backtalk.

Today Master is sick. He has a sinus infection/cold thing. So I pushed him back to bed and (politely of course) ordered lots of water and rest. Asked if he’d been to the doctor and called into work, which he’d done both. I think if I were merely his submissive, I wouldn’t be allowed to do such things. Aren’t the Doms supposed to be the ones in control and giving orders? The submissives generally follow directions and make suggestions, right?

As pet, I get to lay in his lap, and my pocket, and follow him around. We talk like a “normal” relationship’s couple would. We banter and tickle and tease. I don’t get in trouble for being a bit bratty or sarcastic or silly unless it is out of place or inappropriate or a step over the line. He is not in constant control of me, though I know he has a firm grip on my shiny leash (that I actually have possession of now *grins*). I should rephrase that. He has constant control, but it’s not conscious control, and I hope that makes sense. He doesn’t have to constantly establish and reaffirm his control and possession. I don’t need for him to do that anymore, just like I don’t need him to tell me exactly what to do with my day and what I need to accomplish anymore.

So that makes me wonder if I’ve gone more into the pet role instead of his always submissive. I don’t deny that I am still his submissive and always will be, but I am less dependent on that role for my happiness. I am happy just being his in whichever way he needs at that moment in time.

So to go back to my first statement of opinion, I think there are definite differences in the roles of pet and submissive. A pet seems to be more of a companion, whereas a submissive is subservient to her Master.

But that’s just this kitten’s point of view.

Apparetengo a mi Lupo. <3

Update

It's been a small amount of time, considering. But I really don't have much to say. Only (mostly) boring things.

Master will be signing papers to start his new job soon, which will include travelling in my direction. *smiles* So when school starts up again, I can go meet him as long as he isn't sharing a room with a coworker.

My summer classes have started great. I'm hoping for 4.0's to transfer back to my university. I think it would go a long way, were anything to happen next year, financial aid wise. Work is going well, too. It's nice to finally have a savings account building.

On a downside, I'm going to see a knee specialist next Tuesday. My mother seems to think there is something more to my knee problems than the other doctor told us about. So we'll see. This new one (she saw him too) says that I may need surgery, but he hasn't seen me or my xrays or anything. That was just through talking to her.

So, see? A boring post. Except for Master's job, part.

Appartengo a mi Lupo. <3

It feels very odd...

To have come to terms with the fact that I am no longer any sort of priority in some peoples' lives. In the beginning of my mad stage, I was upset that I no longer heard from them, even periodically. But since my last post, I've concentrated on my life. And things are just fine. I do not feel alone. Rather I feel good about myself, refusing to be an option for people. Maybe it sounds demanding of me, but I am not someone to be around to help them through the bad times or the boredom and then disappear when they find someone else to talk to.

So instead of pining and bitching, I've moved on. My summer classes start on the sixth, so I've been reading my textbooks and hopefully getting ahead of the game (the syllabi aren't even posted online yet, so I have no idea if I'm even reading an assigned chapter). Working is torture since my knees are seemingly getting worse. When 500mg of Vicodin wear off in an 8 hour shift, you know the pain level is high... Hopefully I can find something to take care of the problem, swelling I think, instead of the pain.

Master's wife will be having her baby soon, so I am working on their presents. I shall post pictures here when I'm done with them. :) I hope to have something to send to Master as well, but that is a secret for me to keep.

Appartengo a mi Lupo. <3