Something Master Said Tonight

I felt I had to share. Maybe it's too personal. Maybe it'll make him blush because I shared something he said, which I am still teary eyed about. But I felt I needed to share this with the world, especially because I'm doing a project for a college class regarding dating violence in high school relationships.

Master: Kitty?
me: yes Master?
Master: I love you.
me: *smiles* i love you too.
Master: from the very depths of my soul sweetie
me: *nuzzles and tears* ditto
Master: You complete this (his life/marriage/what he needs in a partner that his wife can't give to him: her complete submission)... You make it better. *wipes your eyes* no tears, only smiles sweetie
me: I'm so very glad to have found a place to fit.
Master: And you fit so well. I'm so glad I burned your shoes.  (Ask me about this the next time I talk to you, and I'll explain the meaning behind 'my shoes'.)
me: *laughs* yes, we burned my shoes. shush. sleep.

Someday, when I have more time, I will tell the story behind my shoes. They are metaphor shoes, symbolic.

I am very blessed to be so intimate (not in the physical sense) with a man as strong, honorable, loving, giving, and many other things. I will forever be in awe of the fact that this man loves me for who I am, every molecule, because he knows everything. Every dark secret, every nightmare, every fear, every doubt... And he loves me anyway.
To be in such a relationship, to have it be my very first relationship even though it is "secret" from my family and not "Facebook-official" as my family says, is a huge standard to live up to, if I ever find my husband.

<3 Appartengo a Lupo completamenta a per sempre. <3
(I belong to Wolf completely and forever.)

Life Lately

I'm well aware that my post titles are boring and un-inventive. >.<

Life is slowly getting back on track. My knee is healing wonderfully after my surgery (patella reconstruction with a distal transfer). I'm so very sick of walking with crutches, but I try not to complain about it or break the rules and go without them. Doc says its bad and Master basically promises punishment if I break rules that Doc has set. So I'm doing my best to behave and follow all my instructions. Stretching is quite hard, though. It hurts to pull on those ligaments that he cut and moved, but it's part of the recovery process. If I don't rehabilitate them back to working properly, what was the point of the surgery? One thing that keeps me stretching and doing the at home therapy is the thought of kneeling again. It hurt to kneel before, but at least I could do it when my subby needed it.

Master's daughter is adorable, and so very serious. She will be 3 weeks old in 2 days. It upsets me so that I cannot be there to share in the baby duties or steal her away for a while for a cuddle bunny. I try not to think about the distance between us, but when I hear about his hard day, it hurts me to not be able to be there and make the home-life a little easier for him/them. So instead of dwelling on that, I make sure to organize his emails and look for jobs and online schools for him. It keeps me busy and helps him, so that helps me too.

On a bad note, I was given 4 tasks to do this week, due by Friday (yesterday), of which I only completed one, writing a report about kittens. (I think I'm going to go back and expand that report to be many pages, complete research on felines, instead of a small one page report.) I told him that I would finish them all today, but my allergies were reacting terribly to the increased mold/pollen count in the air, so I slept a majority of the day. *cringes* As much as I hate the d-word, I've disappointed myself in doing things other than Master's tasks. He has forgiven me for not doing them, without adding a punishment (which baffled me), and accepted that I will be finishing them.

My depression is still well under control (usually). Being stuck in bed, since it's the most comfortable place for me to be, is often depressing and boring, but I do a lot of stuff on the computer. I play a lot of games while watching Netflix, hence why I failed in my tasks. It helps that a few of my lost friends have found their way back to me. We've been talking every few days and catching up, which makes me happy.

Wishing happiness for all,
kitten

It's been such a long time.

I feel quite guilty, since one of my tasks for the summer was to write a blog post for both blogs once a week, and I've failed that miserably.

Life has turned around quite nicely. On Monday, Master's wife is being induced. Alexandria Rose will be arriving very, very soon, so I must finish her blanket quickly. It's coming along nicely, and my secret additions will be great as well. Master and Wife are going to be great parents, I believe. They know how not to parent their children and how not to treat them. Both have shady pasts that have made them the incredible people they are today, so I know that they will continue to rise above their pasts and excel in the future.

Three days ago, Wednesday, I had a reconstructive knee surgery on my right knee. I was released from the hospital on Thursday afternoon, and have since spent a majority of my time in my bed at home. The drugs keep me quite fuzzy headed, but usually free of pain. Today my family and I went grocery shopping, which I've since decided I wasn't ready for. I barely had the stamina for a shower earlier today, so why I decided to go shopping, I don't really know. I have plenty of yarn to keep me occupied and a crochet magazine with new patterns in it for me to learn. I'm having a good time learning new patterns and stitches.

I've learned a lot about myself since my medications have started working well. It's a surprising thing, discovering things about yourself that you should have known already. I've come to realize that I didn't know myself very well at all in my teen years.

I like to learn. I enjoy the reading and studying that goes along with my summer classes, Political Science and MicroEconomics. I'm looking forward to school starting up again, and so far am not intimidated by the 16 credits I'll be taking in the fall semester. I hand chose all of the classes for my schedules, so I am at least interested in the topic they cover, which definitely helps the eagerness. I added a minor in Women and Gender Studies also, and if the next few years' projected schedule of classes changes, I'll probably be adding a minor in Sociology as well. I also find that I look at genres other than romance and erotica, though mostly its nonfiction I browse through. (I've also had to put aside pleasure reading for the most part. With all the after-surgery medications and sleeping I've been doing, I don't have time to read anything but homework until the end of the semester.)

I am quite friendly, even though I am always shy. At work, I've made a few friends whom I hope to keep talking to even though I'm done working for nearly two years due to the surgeries. I like talking and interacting with people, which I'm glad to have learned since my major is Social Work.

My relationship with Master seems to just be getting stronger with time. I am rarely unhappy anymore, and especially not because of him. Our relationship is definitely not what I've found as the "norm" in this lifestyle, but it suits us and what we need. We are still D/s, and I am still his submissive, but I think I identify as more of a pet than a submissive. At least in our day to day relationship. I check his emails and sort through them to keep his inbox organized. We talk on and off through the day, in a "normal" exchange of dialogue, not the "proper" or tiered speech between a Master and sub. I definitely like the way we interact, as I feel more cherished and valued this way. I always felt awkward and tentative when speaking more formally with Master, and I don't like feeling that way. I go out of my way NOT to feel like that on a regular basis.

I think my long post has finally summed up the past few months. Nothing significant has happened, in the event sense, but so much has come into light lately that I felt I had to share with anyone willing to read.

Now I must go clear my head with a nap and get some homework read and written.

Appartengo a mi Lupo. <3

Devotion

Do you ever wonder where your devotion to your significant other came from? Did it spring up on you, out of the blue, like mine did?

I've been thinking about the past lately, and how I used to interact with Master. I'd been getting through a tough time, being the butt of two teenage guys' joke and a disastrous two meetings with a "dom", when he found his way into my life. His (now ex) sub was a friend of mine from a chatroom we frequented.

Being the quite, reserved, unsociable one I was (and still am to an extent), I started talking to him every night. At that point, we both were night owls and would sit and talk about things for 3 hours or more every night.

It didn't take me long at all to take a liking to him. He was a great listener, and liked to tease me, and I felt at ease (most of the time) when I was talking to him. When I say most of the time, I mean that I have this insecure/alternate side (doesn't everyone?) that tries to protect the kitten-y, subby one from what she deems "bad decisions." Master and I have deemed her Bitch.

Right off the bat, I felt a deeper connection, and it had me spooked. How the hell do you form such a deep connection with someone you've never met or seen a picture of? The feelings had me running scared for a while, but eventually life evened out.

My devotion stems from the way he's changed my life. I'm happy now. Not (only) because I belong somewhere unconditionally and unquestionably, but because the paths we've walked together have found a life I like. One that involves learning, working, and enjoying the hell out of (almost) everyday of my life. Sure, I still have my bad days. But who doesn't sometimes just want to laze about the house and do nothing for 24 hours?

I love my Master with everything I am, everything he's brought forth from the locked places inside, and everything we will discover in the future. He has earned every bit, and will have the gift of my submission for as long as he wishes.

Denying Fear (possibly rambling)

**"She knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would never physically hurt her.
"But deep down, in places where reason didn't exist, it didn't matter. Some fears remained, and they gnawed at her peace of mind, keeping her from true freedom."**
pg 298, Lori Foster's *A Perfect Storm*

I wrote this quote down and will shortly hang it on my bedroom door, but I felt I had to share. I bought this book yesterday, and have since finished it (am a huge bookworm). It is one I feel a great connection with, as I have with many Lori Foster books, not because I went through the same terrible childhood the main female did (her father sold her to sex traffickers for some drugs) but because there are a few strong things about her character and personality I can relate to.

But I didn't post this to compare her characters to myself. I started writing to explain that fear is perfectly normal. It could possibly even be categorized as healthy. If you aren't afraid of anything, then what are your goals for life? I do not believe you can be fear-free and so completely sure of yourself that you can do anything you please without hesitation.

Deep, deep down, you are scared of something. I'm talking waaaay down in your soul, you have a gut-instinct fear of doing something. Underneath the person you show everyone every day. Underneath your subby self or your Dom self. Maybe it's even a teenie-tiny molecule in the very middle of that floating ghost-like thing Harry Potter says is your soul. But you have a fear.

I have quite a few, most of which keep being stirred up this past week, either by a discussion group I sit in online or by nightmares I occasionally have.

Like Lori Foster's Arizona Storm, I have a fear of small, enclosed spaces, especially ones that lock. Afterall, if the wrong person holds the key to that lock, my life could easily be over. The same with being mummified or bound so completely that I have no escape route, no way to move or even wiggle.

I've come to terms with my fears, by which I mean that I've accepted that I'm terrified of both. I may not like admitting to them, but I no longer deny them. (It was extremely hard to deny my fear when someone planted the image in my head of me wrapped in saran wrap on the floor and I was thrown into a full blown panic attack.)

Even though that mental image put Master in control of the situation, standing over me and watching every millisecond, I am still terrified of the predicament. And that is okay.

As the submissive in the relationship, I (and you others as well) am ultimately responsible for myself. I've *given* Him the control, I *willingly* follow His orders and rules. But underneath that inner subby voice is also another one I've only recently stopped ignoring.

She says, "I am scared. Be very careful."

Though that voice is small and buried deep, the statement rings true. Don't deny your fear. Fear is an emotion, a very basic one, and it makes us human. Even though it does not sit well with me that there are situations where I could not turn over complete control to my Master or follow an order that stirred up down-to-the-bone fear, I've come to terms with it, and I hope He can as well.

Appartengo a mi Lupo <3

Pet vs Submissive

I’ve been thinking lately about the differences (in my opinion, of course) between a pet and a submissive. And I’ve been seeing definite differences. As purely his submissive, I believe I would be doing much more serving and cleaning, following orders and not being allowed to make sarcastic remarks and bratty backtalk.

Today Master is sick. He has a sinus infection/cold thing. So I pushed him back to bed and (politely of course) ordered lots of water and rest. Asked if he’d been to the doctor and called into work, which he’d done both. I think if I were merely his submissive, I wouldn’t be allowed to do such things. Aren’t the Doms supposed to be the ones in control and giving orders? The submissives generally follow directions and make suggestions, right?

As pet, I get to lay in his lap, and my pocket, and follow him around. We talk like a “normal” relationship’s couple would. We banter and tickle and tease. I don’t get in trouble for being a bit bratty or sarcastic or silly unless it is out of place or inappropriate or a step over the line. He is not in constant control of me, though I know he has a firm grip on my shiny leash (that I actually have possession of now *grins*). I should rephrase that. He has constant control, but it’s not conscious control, and I hope that makes sense. He doesn’t have to constantly establish and reaffirm his control and possession. I don’t need for him to do that anymore, just like I don’t need him to tell me exactly what to do with my day and what I need to accomplish anymore.

So that makes me wonder if I’ve gone more into the pet role instead of his always submissive. I don’t deny that I am still his submissive and always will be, but I am less dependent on that role for my happiness. I am happy just being his in whichever way he needs at that moment in time.

So to go back to my first statement of opinion, I think there are definite differences in the roles of pet and submissive. A pet seems to be more of a companion, whereas a submissive is subservient to her Master.

But that’s just this kitten’s point of view.

Apparetengo a mi Lupo. <3

Update

It's been a small amount of time, considering. But I really don't have much to say. Only (mostly) boring things.

Master will be signing papers to start his new job soon, which will include travelling in my direction. *smiles* So when school starts up again, I can go meet him as long as he isn't sharing a room with a coworker.

My summer classes have started great. I'm hoping for 4.0's to transfer back to my university. I think it would go a long way, were anything to happen next year, financial aid wise. Work is going well, too. It's nice to finally have a savings account building.

On a downside, I'm going to see a knee specialist next Tuesday. My mother seems to think there is something more to my knee problems than the other doctor told us about. So we'll see. This new one (she saw him too) says that I may need surgery, but he hasn't seen me or my xrays or anything. That was just through talking to her.

So, see? A boring post. Except for Master's job, part.

Appartengo a mi Lupo. <3