Ricominciare- To begin again; to start over

Oh, what to say, what to say. There’s so much that has happened, but I just don’t seem to have the words… Writer without words lol. Take note, because it doesn’t happen all that often.

Tonight the decision about me staying with Master or leaving was left up to his wife, who is upset with the way things are between them, feeling left out, and feeling bitter because of their history together.

I had a chance to talk to her tonight, to explain my side of things and listen to hers. And I learned a lot. Her subconscious tells her that him having any kind of sexual relationship with me that doesn’t include her is considered cheating. Which, in a sense, I can completely understand that. Poly isn’t for everyone. Hell, I didn’t think it was for me until I met Master. Even in the very beginning stages of our friendship, I was completely anti-poly. Now I’m much more open to things… I can’t say new things, because I’m still closed minded about some things… I guess I should say that I’m open to learning about new things, not always open to trying things.

So anyways, I voiced my side of things and explained how broken and alone I would feel if she cast me out, how much purpose serving him gives me, how happy it makes both he and I. She seemed to understand that, and I think that it had a lot of impact on her decision. She said she was originally going to say no to me staying.

We talked things out and agreed to more of a couple-swap relationship… though there are only three of us… it’s a little odd, but I have good feelings about it. Her and I’s plan is to include her more in the details of the relationship, instead of completely separating the relationships. Something I explained to her was how I viewed all the relationships. We are a triangle, so think of three people holding strings. He and I have our D/s relationship. She and he have their marriage. She and I have a (potential) friendship. Unless we choose to make them do so, our relationships don’t have to cross.

I feel very clean right now, having bawled my eyes out earlier when talking to Master, before I talked to Candy. I feel like I’m finally ready to shed the negative feelings and start over again. I feel like maybe she and I can finally be friends or get a bit closer, at least. She told me that she’d like for their baby to have an aunt like me to help minimize tension between the ethnicities as the child grows up and I could barely refrain from saying that if they moved closer to me and my family, the experience would be even better. My family is white, but I have adopted black cousins. No one takes into consideration their skin color and the social stigmas associated with it when addressing them or dressing them or giving them advice. They’re simply my cousins, just a part of the family. *grins* although the oldest made a hilarious remark the last time we spent time at our campground. Something like… “No one would even know I was here, if I closed my eyes and didn’t smile.” (spoken while sitting on a tree stump in the very dim light of hot coals in the fireplace) Yes… yes he was very right, because they proceeded to scare the shit out of the rest of the family when we made our way to our respective campsites.

I’ve also been researching articles and sites about tips on being a better submissive, so if anyone has any favorite sites or articles relating to submission itself, it would be a great help to me.

Appartengo a Lupo <3

Live and Learn

Does anyone else feel clean after a punishment? Master has this way of letting things go after they happen and are dealt with.

Last night I came to a conclusion after some forced time alone. I haven't been submissive lately, not in the real sense of the word. I'm selfish: I make the relationship about myself and us, and my feelings, when it should be about him and us and our feelings. I'm stubborn: I'm not always open or welcoming to change or new things, even if it is what he wants and believes is best. I'm bitchy: some days are worst than others, but there is a voice in my head that is sometimes given control that says to lash out or let her feelings out when I should be shutting my mouth and listening or not interrupting.

I think it started when his time became pressed. When things ended with his last sub, I had him to myself for a while. Then he got married, and now they're expecting. The wife and other things keep him away. So I started pushing the boundaries. At first, I was hesitant to do anything (or to not do anything that I was supposed to be doing), but after a while I stopped getting reminders. I don't have a summary of my week to email him anymore. There was a set schedule for me to complete each week (a certain thing for each day), and I stopped that as well.

But it's not all my fault, as he admitted last night. I pressed the boundaries, and he let me out of the bounds he set without consequence. He admitted it openly and said he's working on a way to remedy it. I can't much comment on his side of things.

So far, I'm only halfway done with my punishment, as I had to rush to class. But even hitting the halfway mark and laying in my bed, I feel a little better. Sure, my ass is on fire, but mentally and emotionally, I feel a bit freer, like FINALLY things are going to get better. Finally we can wipe the slate completely clean, not just his end, because honestly everything stays with me for a long time. It takes me a long time to be able to forgive and forget, and to move on from something.

So with this punishment, I'm very much hoping to wipe my mental slate clean, to start a new chapter. Well, I shouldn't say after this punishment, though I'll start wiping things away then. But when his plan comes to light 6 days from now, I will start anew.

Appartengo a Lupo. <3

Books

I love to read, and when I found this book on a woman's journey into her submissive/slave life, I fell in love with it.



The book is amazing, and the female lead even more so. Serena accepts a one week contract to be Damon's submissive, and the story weaves through her feelings of overwhelming desire, nerves, and acceptance. She's finally found where she belongs in life. But with one word, she can end the contract and return to the life she had before, the business she built from the ground up.

I think it's an amazing view into a D/s or M/s relationship. Some of the aspects still scare me, but I don't think I'm slave material anyway. I don't think that I'm the kind of person to be able to stay at home and be the housewife, making sure dinner is prepared and the house clean before greeting him just inside the door when he returns from work... Alright, so my future self will stay at home often (hopefully) but not just to keep the house clean and food cooked. Writers don't laze about the house or do all the housework. We have work to do as well... There's just the huuuuuge bonus of being able to do it on our own time schedule.

Anyways, I readily recommend this book and the rest of the series. There is another one due out in April called Sweet Addiction and omg I can't wait to read it.

Appartengo a Lupo <3

So Sick

I hate Mother Nature... the beotch.

On that note, since I seem to have a horrible cold and refuse to spread it to my Art classmates, I shall update my blog.

In the last week or so, Master and I have had a heart to heart about natural things that have happened in life and our responses to them. We definitely handle death of loved ones about the same way. Isolation. Time to ourselves. Definitely alike there.

And I had my ass beaten last night. Deserved every bit of it as well. I was given a 24 hour ban from the chat room I love to frequent for sassing the owner and breaking a rule. So not only did I get my punishment for that, but I might have called Master a doofus as well... I won't do that again.

The good that's come from all of this? Being reinforced mentally: no sassing, be respectful to everyone, and ignore those I'd rather yell at. Also, no calling Master names...

To change the subject, I'm not feeling like the semester is starting off well, at least in the attendance category. 2 skipped classes in the last 2 days, though I do blame it on the sickness. I am spending a portion of my spare time reading for the classes though, which is much better than the 2% I gave to the reading last semester.

I do believe that is all.

Appartengo a Lupo <3

My journey lately...

...has been pretty shitty. I thought about censoring this to prevent from possibly upsetting people or making my Master out to be a bad Dom. We have our good and happy times, our bad and upsetting times, just like any real couple does whether they're D/s or vanilla or somewhere in the middle. But I would never call him a bad Master, not ever. He plays the cards he's been dealt, just like all of us do. Sometimes his choices don't line up with mine, but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to our relationship value.

Master's been too busy to be around very much lately, and his wife is on bed rest due to pregnancy complications. He has a lot on his plate besides taking care of me, and I haven't made his job any easier with my cold shoulders and my snippy comments.

After a few failed attempts at addressing things and finding a solution, we finally had a conversation that ended in a hopeful fix. I feel like I finally said everything I needed to. He's told me she's still insecure in the marriage and there's nothing I can do about it. Time and patience.

Part of this new beginning is on me. I need to change my attitude about her. And I know it's going to be hell to do it because I believe what I believe and she's not helping that at all. Since I've stopped reaching out and attempting to talk to her, she hasn't bothered to reach out to me either. And that does make me a bit bitter, yes. Pisses me off because she's told me often that she loves me and appreciates how much I've been there for her. It upsets me because of how close I know we could be, and with the possibility of them moving to my state and close to my hometown, I could live with them. It's so very frustrating to know how great of friends we could be and to have to sit and wait for her to realize that he chose her for a reason.

There's no bitterness in that statement. I know my place, I know who I am and who I am to him. I am his submissive, not his wife. I haven't thought of taking her place or splitting them apart. "I'm not asking for you to reach out. But I want to only hear positive and reassuring things from you when it comes to her." So here's to changing my attitude.

While I am working on the best submissive I can, he has things to work on too. He says he will work on finding time for D/s time. And showing me the good in his marriage, his life. I think that has a lot to do with my feelings of negativity. I don't hear him talk about the good times or the couple's night in, only when the house is a mess and she's upset.

So here's to new beginnings at the beginning of the new year. Perfect time, I suppose. There are new resolutions to add to the previous list.

1) Be the best submissive for Master that I can be.

2) Give more effort to understanding Master's home life and compensating accordingly.

Appartengo A Lupo. <3

Unsubby and a Hopeless Romantic

I've been feeling odd lately, and I think I've finally figured out why.

I don't feel submissive. Not at all lately.

It's nice being Master's secretary and taking care of things for him. I like being useful and helping him stay organized and such. It doesn't take much energy or time for me to sort his emails or let him know of something important he needs to read. I have the time and energy to do it when he doesn't.

But I guess I relate submission to the sexual side, even when I questioned it in the beginning of our relationship. I think that even though I didn't think it was important, that it really IS important to keep the connection. Embarrassingly, my mother gave me this whole speech before I left for school in the fall about how sex is an important part of a relationship. If your sex lives don't mesh well, then odds are against your relationship lasting very long. And there has been nothing sexual about our relationship lately. It's a piece of us that has gone missing and I'm missing it.

On another note, or maybe it's just a branch of the same tree, I've been wondering lately where Mr. Right is. As much as I don't like it, Master isn't the One for me, since he's going to stick things out with Candy. To him I will always be second and second best. Second place. And while I can be alright with that for a while, because I'm content here or have been, it can't be anywhere near forever. I'll always be unhappy on the deepest level.

Being my romantic self, I feel there is someone out there for all of us. At least one someone. I want someone to want me. To love me. To need me. To feel incomplete without me.

These are the days that I understand how my cousin can move so fast into his future, to rush into a proposal and a family. Because he's needed and wanted and loved unconditionally in that special way that drives men crazy and women to deal with the pain of childbirth. I want that relationship where the honeymoon never seems to end.

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