I've been feeling odd lately, and I think I've finally figured out why.
I don't feel submissive. Not at all lately.
It's nice being Master's secretary and taking care of things for him. I like being useful and helping him stay organized and such. It doesn't take much energy or time for me to sort his emails or let him know of something important he needs to read. I have the time and energy to do it when he doesn't.
But I guess I relate submission to the sexual side, even when I questioned it in the beginning of our relationship. I think that even though I didn't think it was important, that it really IS important to keep the connection. Embarrassingly, my mother gave me this whole speech before I left for school in the fall about how sex is an important part of a relationship. If your sex lives don't mesh well, then odds are against your relationship lasting very long. And there has been nothing sexual about our relationship lately. It's a piece of us that has gone missing and I'm missing it.
On another note, or maybe it's just a branch of the same tree, I've been wondering lately where Mr. Right is. As much as I don't like it, Master isn't the One for me, since he's going to stick things out with Candy. To him I will always be second and second best. Second place. And while I can be alright with that for a while, because I'm content here or have been, it can't be anywhere near forever. I'll always be unhappy on the deepest level.
Being my romantic self, I feel there is someone out there for all of us. At least one someone. I want someone to want me. To love me. To need me. To feel incomplete without me.
These are the days that I understand how my cousin can move so fast into his future, to rush into a proposal and a family. Because he's needed and wanted and loved unconditionally in that special way that drives men crazy and women to deal with the pain of childbirth. I want that relationship where the honeymoon never seems to end.
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