Live and Learn

Does anyone else feel clean after a punishment? Master has this way of letting things go after they happen and are dealt with.

Last night I came to a conclusion after some forced time alone. I haven't been submissive lately, not in the real sense of the word. I'm selfish: I make the relationship about myself and us, and my feelings, when it should be about him and us and our feelings. I'm stubborn: I'm not always open or welcoming to change or new things, even if it is what he wants and believes is best. I'm bitchy: some days are worst than others, but there is a voice in my head that is sometimes given control that says to lash out or let her feelings out when I should be shutting my mouth and listening or not interrupting.

I think it started when his time became pressed. When things ended with his last sub, I had him to myself for a while. Then he got married, and now they're expecting. The wife and other things keep him away. So I started pushing the boundaries. At first, I was hesitant to do anything (or to not do anything that I was supposed to be doing), but after a while I stopped getting reminders. I don't have a summary of my week to email him anymore. There was a set schedule for me to complete each week (a certain thing for each day), and I stopped that as well.

But it's not all my fault, as he admitted last night. I pressed the boundaries, and he let me out of the bounds he set without consequence. He admitted it openly and said he's working on a way to remedy it. I can't much comment on his side of things.

So far, I'm only halfway done with my punishment, as I had to rush to class. But even hitting the halfway mark and laying in my bed, I feel a little better. Sure, my ass is on fire, but mentally and emotionally, I feel a bit freer, like FINALLY things are going to get better. Finally we can wipe the slate completely clean, not just his end, because honestly everything stays with me for a long time. It takes me a long time to be able to forgive and forget, and to move on from something.

So with this punishment, I'm very much hoping to wipe my mental slate clean, to start a new chapter. Well, I shouldn't say after this punishment, though I'll start wiping things away then. But when his plan comes to light 6 days from now, I will start anew.

Appartengo a Lupo. <3