Life got hectic for a while. It does that sometimes, unfortunately. So now I'm finally connected back the 'net and able to write. My muse has even made an extended visit, so I've gotten some novel-writing done.
Things with Master and his wife have improved tremendously. She and I are talking again, laughing like friends. It's nice, even though we're not the best of friends. We talked about Christmas presents and what I'm going to give him. I'd like to be able to actually hand it to him, but it might not happen that way.
He received my birthday card and presents earlier today. I got the most indescribably sweet text too. "*pepper(with kisses) and whispers* you by far have pleased me to no end. I have never felt the way I feel for you with any other submissive. you have shown your true devotion to me. And for that I am thankful." I cried. I'll happily admit it. That was just the last straw and I got all teary, though the rest had been because of a bad day.
We are now planning a weekend visit. I'm so very excited, and was speechless when they suggested it. I didn't know life was that stable, but apparently it is. It's nice to hear that they're settling into their apartment so nicely. *smiles* Master tells me he has a comfy corner set up, just for me. I can't wait to curl up in it. And a leash! He actually bought a leash, but won't even tell me what it looks like, and won't let her tell me either.
So we'll figure things out soon, I hope. I'm antsy with the thought of actually going now, whereas two months ago I was terrified of the idea of going. Why, I'm not quite sure. maybe it was because the actual visit makes everything real, makes it solid. Makes it true, reality. I don't think I was truly prepared for such a reality then.
I think I am now.
Buona notte.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Confession
Whoever it was that decided confession is good for the soul is right. Tonight, when he brought things up, I finally told Master that I have only been following his instructions when I remember to.
Ashamed and upset with myself? Yes, definitely. I will be putting more effort into things from now on.
The only thing I haven't yet figured out is how to bring up the topic of not doing something properly. I wasn't lying or omission, because lately he hasn't asked about that specific part. We both mostly forgot about it, with all the real life drama that's been going on. But I know that I should have done better, and I will now.
Ashamed and upset with myself? Yes, definitely. I will be putting more effort into things from now on.
The only thing I haven't yet figured out is how to bring up the topic of not doing something properly. I wasn't lying or omission, because lately he hasn't asked about that specific part. We both mostly forgot about it, with all the real life drama that's been going on. But I know that I should have done better, and I will now.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Just Some Thoughts
This weekend has been pretty hard on me. I've been slowly going crazy since I got my first exam scores back. Failed 2 out of 3... yeah, not so good. So to keep myself sane, I've been rearranging my study schedule, spending a lot of my free time reading and studying the notes for Biology.
But tonight a thought has been bugging me. What if we never get back to how things were? Master says things are always changing, and I suppose he's right. But change isn't always good. And if we're always changing, then how will things ever be stable again? The definition of stable is unmoving and unchanging. So does that mean no relationship is truly ever stable?
I don't always feel stable anymore, unfortunately. And I hate to admit it. I hate admitting that I'm not rock steady and always ready for life, but I rarely truly ready. Take this new change to our relationship. I knew something was going to have to change, but still it was such a shock that I couldn't eat much of anything for 3 days straight. It wasn't healthy, but I couldn't deal. And now that I am dealing with it, I'm wondering what's going to happen next.
But probably I shouldn't be writing anything while medicated on Valium and tired. Probably I should turn my focus over to Master and talk to him for a while before bed.
So buona notte.
But tonight a thought has been bugging me. What if we never get back to how things were? Master says things are always changing, and I suppose he's right. But change isn't always good. And if we're always changing, then how will things ever be stable again? The definition of stable is unmoving and unchanging. So does that mean no relationship is truly ever stable?
I don't always feel stable anymore, unfortunately. And I hate to admit it. I hate admitting that I'm not rock steady and always ready for life, but I rarely truly ready. Take this new change to our relationship. I knew something was going to have to change, but still it was such a shock that I couldn't eat much of anything for 3 days straight. It wasn't healthy, but I couldn't deal. And now that I am dealing with it, I'm wondering what's going to happen next.
But probably I shouldn't be writing anything while medicated on Valium and tired. Probably I should turn my focus over to Master and talk to him for a while before bed.
So buona notte.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
The Nerve of Some People
I wrote a post on Fetlife the day before yesterday before bed. I expressed the situation between Master and I, about how his time was limited now and we both had to rearrange our priorities. We don’t like it. We don’t want it to happen. But we have to do it. It’s the best solution for everyone involved.
So I wrote a post looking for suggestions about what to do so I didn’t miss him so much. He’d surprised me earlier that day by coming online via Yahoo and chatting with me for a while, so I asked them what they would do to lessen the pain I felt when he had to leave again. I was just looking for a little sisterhood, some relation with other people, thinking maybe by sharing experiences, I’d find a few more submissive female friends.
The replies to my post blew my mind, and I‘m still reeling 24 hours later. Other female “submissives” told me I needed to get a life, to find other things to occupy my time. To leave the one I call Master, because he couldn’t give me the attention I needed. Basically, most of the 17 responses told me to move on and find someone else who could give me everything…
Isn’t a relationship about compromise? Giving and taking, in all aspects? It’s a cowards way out if you can’t last through the hard times. If your first thought when things get rough is to get out and give up, you’re not in this for the long haul. Running at the first sign of trouble tells me that you’re a fake and are only playing at something that the rest of us take seriously and need to complete our lives.
Do people have nothing else to do with their time, that they have to pretend online to be something and/or someone they’re not? How pathetic is that? I mean, if they’re only starting out and finding out about themselves, then they wouldn’t be assuming so much or acting so knowledgeable. Right? So people telling me that I need to move onto someone else and give up and walk away from everything I could be and could have with him, and could GIVE to him… It makes me sick.
And with all this stress hitting at once, I’m sick enough and already not eating, so I don’t need the drama.
So I wrote a post looking for suggestions about what to do so I didn’t miss him so much. He’d surprised me earlier that day by coming online via Yahoo and chatting with me for a while, so I asked them what they would do to lessen the pain I felt when he had to leave again. I was just looking for a little sisterhood, some relation with other people, thinking maybe by sharing experiences, I’d find a few more submissive female friends.
The replies to my post blew my mind, and I‘m still reeling 24 hours later. Other female “submissives” told me I needed to get a life, to find other things to occupy my time. To leave the one I call Master, because he couldn’t give me the attention I needed. Basically, most of the 17 responses told me to move on and find someone else who could give me everything…
Isn’t a relationship about compromise? Giving and taking, in all aspects? It’s a cowards way out if you can’t last through the hard times. If your first thought when things get rough is to get out and give up, you’re not in this for the long haul. Running at the first sign of trouble tells me that you’re a fake and are only playing at something that the rest of us take seriously and need to complete our lives.
Do people have nothing else to do with their time, that they have to pretend online to be something and/or someone they’re not? How pathetic is that? I mean, if they’re only starting out and finding out about themselves, then they wouldn’t be assuming so much or acting so knowledgeable. Right? So people telling me that I need to move onto someone else and give up and walk away from everything I could be and could have with him, and could GIVE to him… It makes me sick.
And with all this stress hitting at once, I’m sick enough and already not eating, so I don’t need the drama.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 2
Today has been one of those days, hovering between good and bad. I woke up bitchy. Who wants to get up before the sun to be at a Plant Biology lecture at 8:30am? Sure as hell, not this one. Then back to the dorm for a nap. Italian at 1 (today was boring as hell). Then my day was done.
Well. The school day. Unfortunately, being done that early gives me all kinds of time to sit and think. And today? not a good thinking day.
Do you ever go a full day without talking to your Master? I'm talking a full 24 complete hours without a text, call, instant message, or skype date. Mine hasn't said a word to me in 32 hours. A very busy day for him I suppose. It makes me miss him terribly. The day is lonely, with no friends on campus.
Well. The school day. Unfortunately, being done that early gives me all kinds of time to sit and think. And today? not a good thinking day.
Do you ever go a full day without talking to your Master? I'm talking a full 24 complete hours without a text, call, instant message, or skype date. Mine hasn't said a word to me in 32 hours. A very busy day for him I suppose. It makes me miss him terribly. The day is lonely, with no friends on campus.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Day 1
Just recently Master has decided he needs to rearrange his priorities. Life is getting in the way of us and he has to transfer some of his time elsewhere. While it devastated me for the first day, so much so that I didn't eat a thing and skipped my two classes to lay in bed all day, I'm much more rational now.
Sometimes things have to be rearranged in order to be healthy for everyone involved. Poly is different than anything I've ever experienced before, not that I've had actual vanilla relationships before. But I know how they work. Two people, managing their outside time and their relationship time. Well poly is no different in that way, just that there are two women in his life, not just one. His wife is first priority, her happiness and security. His second (I think) is his job, which should be soon turning into two jobs. Plus school, hopefully. I'd love to see him be the first in his family to get a college degree. *smiles*
Contrary to the thoughts I've heard on the subject, I'm quite ok with my situation. So many have told me that he is not being a "real Master", or that he "does not deserve" me. They're wrong. I know the details, more than I probably wanted to know. And I support his decision. He's doing what he needs to do for the good of all three of us, not just him and his wife. He has included me in his decision-making and the final decision. Granted, I'm not too happy he wants to find someone to watch over me while he's busy, but that's his decision. If it gives him greater peace of mind while he's running around and dealing with the stresses of life, I'll gladly have a handful of people watch over me.
I was told tonight that he wants someone to watch over me because he's scared to lose me. *smiles* If that's true, I welcome the watchers. I can deal with them, if that's what it takes for him not to worry about me. Afterall, this is a great chance to change my bad habits. Instead of waiting around to hear from him, I'll know when I should hear from him. So that way I'll concentrate (theoretically) more on my struggling Bio and Math grades, and study Italian... oh and possibly work on my American Lit paper drafts. Though the first ones are more pressing.
Ciao! Buona notte! (Good night) :)
Sometimes things have to be rearranged in order to be healthy for everyone involved. Poly is different than anything I've ever experienced before, not that I've had actual vanilla relationships before. But I know how they work. Two people, managing their outside time and their relationship time. Well poly is no different in that way, just that there are two women in his life, not just one. His wife is first priority, her happiness and security. His second (I think) is his job, which should be soon turning into two jobs. Plus school, hopefully. I'd love to see him be the first in his family to get a college degree. *smiles*
Contrary to the thoughts I've heard on the subject, I'm quite ok with my situation. So many have told me that he is not being a "real Master", or that he "does not deserve" me. They're wrong. I know the details, more than I probably wanted to know. And I support his decision. He's doing what he needs to do for the good of all three of us, not just him and his wife. He has included me in his decision-making and the final decision. Granted, I'm not too happy he wants to find someone to watch over me while he's busy, but that's his decision. If it gives him greater peace of mind while he's running around and dealing with the stresses of life, I'll gladly have a handful of people watch over me.
I was told tonight that he wants someone to watch over me because he's scared to lose me. *smiles* If that's true, I welcome the watchers. I can deal with them, if that's what it takes for him not to worry about me. Afterall, this is a great chance to change my bad habits. Instead of waiting around to hear from him, I'll know when I should hear from him. So that way I'll concentrate (theoretically) more on my struggling Bio and Math grades, and study Italian... oh and possibly work on my American Lit paper drafts. Though the first ones are more pressing.
Ciao! Buona notte! (Good night) :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Selfish Sub?
Today's been one of those "off" days. I told Master I'd take my camera outside and shoot some landscapes, something we both like to do. Since I'm at a college he went to, it would make him happy if I were to send him a few pictures.
But I just don't have the motivation. And that makes me doubt my submission some days. What kind of submissive wants his attention focused on her through the day? Especially when we're poly and he's married! I'm not feeling neglected, I don't think. Just needy today. And it always turns out that my needy days are the days when Master is most busy.
The other day I was playing a game on Facebook (yes, I'm very guilty of those) during a break from homework and a chat box pops up. He's pleasantly surprised me with his lunch break. 40 whole minutes of him, all to myself. Except that, while it was great to have that time, I was about to log off and do more homework. My motivation to study had been quite high that day. So today, when my motivation is extremely low, I don't even get a good morning or any quality time at all. He's killing spiders in his new apartment with his new wife.
So here I am, sitting around trying to write a story in my pajamas, figuring I'll just eat cereal for supper. Wondering what kind of submissive I can be when I'd rather he focus on me instead me focus on him. I hope I'm not the only one to get this kind of attitude. If so, maybe I'm not a submissive at all? Maybe I was just looking for somewhere to be wanted, someone to show me some kind of attention.
But I just don't have the motivation. And that makes me doubt my submission some days. What kind of submissive wants his attention focused on her through the day? Especially when we're poly and he's married! I'm not feeling neglected, I don't think. Just needy today. And it always turns out that my needy days are the days when Master is most busy.
The other day I was playing a game on Facebook (yes, I'm very guilty of those) during a break from homework and a chat box pops up. He's pleasantly surprised me with his lunch break. 40 whole minutes of him, all to myself. Except that, while it was great to have that time, I was about to log off and do more homework. My motivation to study had been quite high that day. So today, when my motivation is extremely low, I don't even get a good morning or any quality time at all. He's killing spiders in his new apartment with his new wife.
So here I am, sitting around trying to write a story in my pajamas, figuring I'll just eat cereal for supper. Wondering what kind of submissive I can be when I'd rather he focus on me instead me focus on him. I hope I'm not the only one to get this kind of attitude. If so, maybe I'm not a submissive at all? Maybe I was just looking for somewhere to be wanted, someone to show me some kind of attention.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Just Starting Out
I've recently decided to join the trend and start a blog. Why, I have no idea. Probably to help keep the creative juices flowing. How, that I truly don't know. So I'm probably just going to ramble most times.
I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I found myself interested in pursuing this life choice. When I stop to think, I've learned so much, but it doesn't seem like it's been so long. And- at the risk of rambling- it doesn't feel like I've learned anything at all. It just seems like there was a box, and I needed one special person to help me open it and explore the contents. We haven't even made a dent in the pile yet, either. On March 21, 2012, I will have been owned by Master for one full year. The feelings are indescribably intense.
I reread that conversation just today. Found myself panicking as I read howI asked to be his and to learn and to be taught by him. And breathing a sigh of relief at his shocked and delighted response. Just like one of those romance comedies where you know that the main character is going to say yes to the marriage proposal because you've seen it a billion times, but you still hold your breath and get excited anyways? Just like that. I was going to use a horror movie analogy, but 1-it was thrilling, not horrific, and 2-I don't watch horror movies.
That is all for tonight. I'll write more tomorrow, instead of studying, about how the relationship is progressing and how things are going in the present.
I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I found myself interested in pursuing this life choice. When I stop to think, I've learned so much, but it doesn't seem like it's been so long. And- at the risk of rambling- it doesn't feel like I've learned anything at all. It just seems like there was a box, and I needed one special person to help me open it and explore the contents. We haven't even made a dent in the pile yet, either. On March 21, 2012, I will have been owned by Master for one full year. The feelings are indescribably intense.
I reread that conversation just today. Found myself panicking as I read howI asked to be his and to learn and to be taught by him. And breathing a sigh of relief at his shocked and delighted response. Just like one of those romance comedies where you know that the main character is going to say yes to the marriage proposal because you've seen it a billion times, but you still hold your breath and get excited anyways? Just like that. I was going to use a horror movie analogy, but 1-it was thrilling, not horrific, and 2-I don't watch horror movies.
That is all for tonight. I'll write more tomorrow, instead of studying, about how the relationship is progressing and how things are going in the present.
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