Wow, it's been longer than I remember. So much has happened since my last post, and I hope not to get too emotional when writing about it all. Let's see...
Master has since then picked up a few jobs, so he's working 3 jobs part time now. After picking them up, he warned me that things were going to get even harder with his RL being so crazy. We cooled things down, and they're still cool. I follow the rules, but he doesn't check up on me or text me through out the day now. Contact is a bit spotty, though I'm growing closer to his wife. I feel good about that too. She needs to know I'm not trying to replace her, which I'm not. Master and I will never get married, or have kids, and it's possible we'll never live together. And now those thoughts don't fill me with longing or dread. I've come to terms with it. Our love isn't an "in love" or a marriage kind of love. It's different than those, but that never means that I mean any less to him than his wife. It hurts us both when things start going downhills, or the other is alone and hurting. Our love is different, not less important.
Don't let this summary fool you. We split for a few days to adjust our outlooks and think about how to handle things... and during those days I was a complete wreck. No eating, always sleeping, no homework or going to class. It was a nightmare. And I now know that the depression settled in HARD during that time.
On another hand, I still wonder if it's unhealthy to depend so heavily upon another person for happiness and feeling useful to the world. Sometimes I think that the idea of it being unhealthy is very vanilla, after all a submissive's job is to ensure her Master's happiness and if he isn't happy, she isn't either. To contrast that, I sometimes think being happy alone might be a "single status" thing, being without a partner. I concentrated on myself when I didn't have him around, and though I wasn't too good at it, I only had to worry about myself. Now I have to worry about him and me, and his mood affects mine. I'm not sure what I think of this dilemma yet.
When I started school, I went on antidepressants. I'm open about it and have no problem telling anyone that I take them. Earlier this week, I got a prescription for a stronger one, as the first just wasn't doing the job well enough. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I'm truly happy. The sun is shining outside, I walked to classes with a smile on my face, and agreed last night to give my all to being Master's slave instead of his submissive. I'm not saying I'm constantly happy or anything, but I'm now seeing the glass as both half full and half empty, instead of mostly empty. So if you have depression issues, or suspect you do, there is no shame in talking to your doctor. These medicines work. I am proof.
Getting closer to his wife is going well. We're growing as people and I hope that she's not faking interest in being friends. I've been warned multiple times that she could be looking at the situation as a "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" type deal. But she's not that kind of person, that statement coming from both Master's description of her and my experience. We don't always see eye to eye, but we don't fight over it, which I like. And she's currently helping me surprise him with an After-Christmas visit, although Master is wanting me to come at the same time and going to spoil the surprise.
Oh well. Things will work out.
If I remember anything else, I'll put it in the next post. To sum up, I'm happy again. It's nice to not hate my life anymore, even if I don't understand why I did in the first place.
Appartengo a Lupo. <3
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A Depressing and Dreary Day
When I wake up to a morning that's rainy, dark, and dreary, there's a switch that flips in my head. Like today.
I woke up to my alarm at 7:30, sat up to turn it off, and my head exploded in pain. Terrific. That plus the fact that I could find absolutely no motivation to go to an early class had me finding Master's weather online and then going back to sleep.
Days like this drive me to think in depth sometimes. And I've come to a conclusion. There is a startling difference between being happy and being happy. One is a day to day thing, the other looking long-term at life in general.
Day to day, it always varies. Mostly, it depends on my contact with Master, his day, his mood, his stress leve. I think I take on his tone (happy, stressed, etc.) because I'm not so good at dealing with my own. See, there's technically nothing horrid about my life. I have an amazing and caring (secret) boyfriend (of sorts), food in the fridge, a room to myself in the dorms, and a great school, not to mention a loving, supportive family.
But obviously there's something that triggers days like this. On one level I know I should take the time to figure it out, that I shouldn't depend on Master for my mood, my happiness. But I wonder if that is a vanilla thing, the assumption that it's unhealthy to depend on another for happiness. His happiness makes me happy, his upset makes me upset. And when he's stressed and tired, but happy to hear from me, in return I get a bit stressed wanting to make it better even though I can't, yet am happy to hear from him as well.
Just more ramblings. But then, you tune in to read them.
Appartengo a Lupo.
I woke up to my alarm at 7:30, sat up to turn it off, and my head exploded in pain. Terrific. That plus the fact that I could find absolutely no motivation to go to an early class had me finding Master's weather online and then going back to sleep.
Days like this drive me to think in depth sometimes. And I've come to a conclusion. There is a startling difference between being happy and being happy. One is a day to day thing, the other looking long-term at life in general.
Day to day, it always varies. Mostly, it depends on my contact with Master, his day, his mood, his stress leve. I think I take on his tone (happy, stressed, etc.) because I'm not so good at dealing with my own. See, there's technically nothing horrid about my life. I have an amazing and caring (secret) boyfriend (of sorts), food in the fridge, a room to myself in the dorms, and a great school, not to mention a loving, supportive family.
But obviously there's something that triggers days like this. On one level I know I should take the time to figure it out, that I shouldn't depend on Master for my mood, my happiness. But I wonder if that is a vanilla thing, the assumption that it's unhealthy to depend on another for happiness. His happiness makes me happy, his upset makes me upset. And when he's stressed and tired, but happy to hear from me, in return I get a bit stressed wanting to make it better even though I can't, yet am happy to hear from him as well.
Just more ramblings. But then, you tune in to read them.
Appartengo a Lupo.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Rambles
Have you ever just woken up one morning and known that it was going to turn into a bad day? Even if the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day outside?
Welcome to my life. Lately it happens more often than not. Today was all about me reminding myself that I'm not the centerpoint of this relationship. That he has bigger things to take care of, to deal with. "You are to be always aware of Master's constant stresses."
I try to be a stress-free part of his life. But I know I'm not. There's no way I can be, with my semi-constant neediness and occasional playful attitude. both of which usually kick in at the very least convenient time possible.
It made me think tonight. How is it that we, as submissives, are supposed to support our Dom/me, make their lives less stressful, and do as much as we can for them... and yet turn around and (either sometimes or many times) cause them stress with our worries and "drama" and self-doubts? And how the hell does something like that get fixed?
Welcome to my life. Lately it happens more often than not. Today was all about me reminding myself that I'm not the centerpoint of this relationship. That he has bigger things to take care of, to deal with. "You are to be always aware of Master's constant stresses."
I try to be a stress-free part of his life. But I know I'm not. There's no way I can be, with my semi-constant neediness and occasional playful attitude. both of which usually kick in at the very least convenient time possible.
It made me think tonight. How is it that we, as submissives, are supposed to support our Dom/me, make their lives less stressful, and do as much as we can for them... and yet turn around and (either sometimes or many times) cause them stress with our worries and "drama" and self-doubts? And how the hell does something like that get fixed?
Patience and Rambling Thoughts
Something I believe I need to revisit and relearn. Just a few weeks ago, I though I had a high patience level. Maybe I'm just pmsing, but this is the second time in a week that I've been impatient and selfish with Master. I don't like that he's so busy. It makes him so tired, and that makes him go to bed early, which subtracts time from me. Ergo, selfish. But that's my fault. After all, isn't it the submissive's job to be there for her Master, to comfort and be what he needs when he needs it? And get her needs fulfilled in return? I've been going about it backwards, I think, adding another check under the Selfish column.
Sure, there has to be an underlying cause... but I couldn't tell you what it is. I'm not really sure, though I know I'm always waiting for bad news. With my short but painful history with guys, I have a hard time believing he wants to keep me, even 8 months later. It's a work in progress thing. I've definitely come a long way, but still have a ways to go. Unfortunately, history isn't just something you can erase and pretend never happened... Well, the pretending can happen, but the erasing of memories never really works right. Just ask Willow. One spell gone awry and no one even knows their name anymore. (That's a Buffy reference, if you didn't know.) Memories and experiences (even the bad ones) are what make us who we are. If we take them away, we might as well regress in life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the experiences of every day before now.
So in a rambling conclusion, impatience and selfishness are very bad. They rarely get you what you want, and you don't deserve to get what you want if you act out. Supporting the Dom/me is the submissive's position, that's what we signed up for. Patience gets us what we need and want, combined with support.
Appartengo a Lupo :)
Sure, there has to be an underlying cause... but I couldn't tell you what it is. I'm not really sure, though I know I'm always waiting for bad news. With my short but painful history with guys, I have a hard time believing he wants to keep me, even 8 months later. It's a work in progress thing. I've definitely come a long way, but still have a ways to go. Unfortunately, history isn't just something you can erase and pretend never happened... Well, the pretending can happen, but the erasing of memories never really works right. Just ask Willow. One spell gone awry and no one even knows their name anymore. (That's a Buffy reference, if you didn't know.) Memories and experiences (even the bad ones) are what make us who we are. If we take them away, we might as well regress in life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the experiences of every day before now.
So in a rambling conclusion, impatience and selfishness are very bad. They rarely get you what you want, and you don't deserve to get what you want if you act out. Supporting the Dom/me is the submissive's position, that's what we signed up for. Patience gets us what we need and want, combined with support.
Appartengo a Lupo :)
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