Wow, it's been longer than I remember. So much has happened since my last post, and I hope not to get too emotional when writing about it all. Let's see...
Master has since then picked up a few jobs, so he's working 3 jobs part time now. After picking them up, he warned me that things were going to get even harder with his RL being so crazy. We cooled things down, and they're still cool. I follow the rules, but he doesn't check up on me or text me through out the day now. Contact is a bit spotty, though I'm growing closer to his wife. I feel good about that too. She needs to know I'm not trying to replace her, which I'm not. Master and I will never get married, or have kids, and it's possible we'll never live together. And now those thoughts don't fill me with longing or dread. I've come to terms with it. Our love isn't an "in love" or a marriage kind of love. It's different than those, but that never means that I mean any less to him than his wife. It hurts us both when things start going downhills, or the other is alone and hurting. Our love is different, not less important.
Don't let this summary fool you. We split for a few days to adjust our outlooks and think about how to handle things... and during those days I was a complete wreck. No eating, always sleeping, no homework or going to class. It was a nightmare. And I now know that the depression settled in HARD during that time.
On another hand, I still wonder if it's unhealthy to depend so heavily upon another person for happiness and feeling useful to the world. Sometimes I think that the idea of it being unhealthy is very vanilla, after all a submissive's job is to ensure her Master's happiness and if he isn't happy, she isn't either. To contrast that, I sometimes think being happy alone might be a "single status" thing, being without a partner. I concentrated on myself when I didn't have him around, and though I wasn't too good at it, I only had to worry about myself. Now I have to worry about him and me, and his mood affects mine. I'm not sure what I think of this dilemma yet.
When I started school, I went on antidepressants. I'm open about it and have no problem telling anyone that I take them. Earlier this week, I got a prescription for a stronger one, as the first just wasn't doing the job well enough. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I'm truly happy. The sun is shining outside, I walked to classes with a smile on my face, and agreed last night to give my all to being Master's slave instead of his submissive. I'm not saying I'm constantly happy or anything, but I'm now seeing the glass as both half full and half empty, instead of mostly empty. So if you have depression issues, or suspect you do, there is no shame in talking to your doctor. These medicines work. I am proof.
Getting closer to his wife is going well. We're growing as people and I hope that she's not faking interest in being friends. I've been warned multiple times that she could be looking at the situation as a "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" type deal. But she's not that kind of person, that statement coming from both Master's description of her and my experience. We don't always see eye to eye, but we don't fight over it, which I like. And she's currently helping me surprise him with an After-Christmas visit, although Master is wanting me to come at the same time and going to spoil the surprise.
Oh well. Things will work out.
If I remember anything else, I'll put it in the next post. To sum up, I'm happy again. It's nice to not hate my life anymore, even if I don't understand why I did in the first place.
Appartengo a Lupo. <3
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