OMG...

So while I'm still freaking out, I'll write all this down and update again after I've talked to Master more in depth...

He "let the cat out of the bag" today, while I was driving home from my grocery shopping trip. He has a collar for me...

Normally, this would be an amazing experience, but with our previous stipulations to the relationship, I'm not quite to the giddy phase yet.

You see, every relationship is different. Obviously. Master and I... well we've always had this "understanding" or "stipulation" in ours (since, as I've said before, he is not my forever) that if I find the One for me, I am free to leave. Of course, I would never just leave his life. We are best friends at the core, so we would remain friends of course. And I would never give everything I am to another without his full approval. I trust his judgment, and his opinion means the world to me.

So now that he's introduced the spoiler of a collar, I'm a bit freaked out. Despite the reassurance of a good friend, I still feel bitchy and cold when I tell myself that I need to make sure these "stipulations" still apply. It makes me feel selfish, as if I'm taking the shine off of what should be a beautiful thing, because I feel the need to have an "escape clause" of sorts.

On one hand, his talk of me graduating college and then moving in with him and his wife has me excited. I've been wishing to be there physically for them, cooking, cleaning, laundry, company, sex. Whatever else too. On the other hand, I still have at least 4 years to go... That's a long time. Everything could change in that time. So if by taking his collar I'm pledging myself to him until/unless he decides otherwise... I'm not sure I can do it. And thinking about possibly telling him no has my stomach churning, chest tightening, and nausea kicking in...

So there's my thoughts so far. We'll sit down to talk after he gets home from work.