Break Time... Or Not...

So now what I have my grades back, I can finally relax... Or so I thought. I passed 3 of 4, so that was a relief. Except that I got an email from my Social Work program adviser. She told me that I have the winter semester to bring my GPA up or I have the possibility of being denied enrollment for next year....

Talk about a heart attack. I'm finally getting my life turned back around, meds working, motivation and happiness levels up, and they're telling me it's possible that I'll be kicked out because of the trouble I was having. I can understand their reasoning, but shouldn't there be another solution? Maybe talking to the student to see why the GPA has dropped? Urgh, it just pisses me off, I suppose. I'm not one of those students who parties and ignores their classes and studies. I had problems, that I've since gotten control of. So here's hoping I won't be kicked out of Master's school just when I've started to like it there.

On another note, being Master's secretary has gotten routine. I was really worried about not remembering to do things for him, but logging in and sorting emails really isn't hard to do.

Things with his wife have fizzled out. I did tell him that I wouldn't contact her, but she hasn't reached out to me either. On one hand that kind of surprises me. Her facebook says she's pretty stressed and freaked out, so I sort of expected contact. But on the other hand, I'm not surprised because she never reached out to me in the first place. I was always the one that started and kept up any conversations we've had. So I suppose, it is what it is.

Things are looking up

Things between Master and I have started going better. Today we are supposed to have a date and I'm so very excited! It's the first actual "us" time we've had in a long time, so long as it happens soon. Staying at my grandmother's house to get Christmas sugar cookies done, a few gingerbread houses, and gingerbread cookies done too. It's so very nice to be home.

Turning into his secretary is going to be a challenge, but I think I'm up to it. So far it's been alright, sorting emails and organizing the different email accounts. It's weird, having something specific to do all day. There's a lot of accounts to check through the day though, which I hope I don't ever forget to do.

I have this feeling of obligation, though. He's given me the passwords and such for the accounts I'll need to do this job, but hasn't asked for anything in return. I can't understand how he's so comfortable with giving all of this to me. I understand trust, which is why I'd like to give him something that proves I would never use the things he's entrusted me with in horrible ways.

I can't help feeling like I owe him my own information, though (1) he has no use for it and (2) he might feel like I'm doing it out of obligation. And in a sense I would be, but I've heard that entrusting your Dom with all personal information is a sign of deep devotion and true submission.

So I'm very conflicted. I'm not sure what to do now, whether to surprise him with it, or talk to him about it. Or just let it go for now.

:)

We talked everything out today. I can't even begin to explain it. But I've decided to be patient and remind myself of what he's dealing with (mostly a wife who's decided to play princess and do nothing) and I'm taking over his much needed "secretary" position. It sounds kinda lame and crazy, but he says it will lessen the stress on him. So I'm going to be answering emails and managing messages. And possibly managing finances too, though I'm skeptical about that part. I'm horrible at math, and I'm not sure I can be an accountant to anyone, even myself! But he's promised to walk me through it and triple check me for a while.

So everything's been evened out for the time being. He's duly noted that I won't be pushed or ordered to befriend the wifey. I've just rid my life of the biggest drama I've dealt with (a cousin's gf) and she is taking that place. I don't need the stress. I feel he's only coddling her attention seeking, but I won't play along. That's one thing I will have no more part of.

So things are going well today. Now to finish packing, get some food, and get ready to go home.

Appartengo a Lupo <3

:(

I feel like a convenience. There's a Buffy quote that fits my feelings nearly perfectly. Season 5, when Xander and Buffy are talking about Riley's ultimatum.

Buffy: What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?
Xander: Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here you—
Buffy: I don't even know who he is anymore! I mean, I thought he was... dependable.
Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?
Buffy: You know what I mean.
Xander: Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to, and take off when you didn't.

It's what I feel like the last few days. I don't feel submissive, or taken care of, of dominated... I really do feel like a burden, or a convenience. Like I'll be around when he has the time, and do my own thing when he doesn't. Be there for support when he needs it, fade into the shadows when I'm not needed.

Kinda put myself here though...

:\

Is it completely selfish to want more of Master's time?

I've been trying to hold myself in check lately, especially with him taking more than one job, but lately it seems like if I don't say something to him first, I don't hear from him. Like Monday for example... I went about my day and did my own thing, doing anything I could to keep my hands off my phone. And its wasn't until I texted him at 8 that night that I actually heard from him, even though it wasn't actually "heard from him" so much as "cyber tied down" by him. And that was it. for the whole night. I got a message that said "*ties you down*".....

And lately he's just been so tired. On my end it sucks because I can't do anything about it. But what gets to me even more is that he has a wife who can do something about it. Who can support him and try to make life a little easier on him. But the only thing I hear from him that she does is leave messes for him to pick up after work.

Maybe this is just a bitch-fest on my part. Or maybe there's something here that we need to address. But I'm still not understanding them. I just don't get it, and I want to. I want to understand, but nobody seems willing to explain it to me. She completely ignored me the other day after putting words in my mouth while talking to him. And now he's all quite and always tired...

Something isn't right. :(

I feel like a possession. I can't actually do anything for him, with our relationship being OL and on the phone. And truly, lately I've found nothing fulfilling in cumming on schedule or doing my own thing all day long. Maybe I need a bit more micromanaging. Which is odd, because I always said I didn't want to be told what to do all day long, but right now maybe it's a contact thing. To know that I'm actually useful and fulfilling a need for him.

And right now, I feel pretty useless and neglected and alone...

Early New Year's Resolutions

I suppose I shouldn't titled them "Resolutions" so much as hopes. But here goes...

1. For both Master and I to become more financially secure. I need to find a job for the winter semester and then the summer months. Master is hoping to move to Michigan soon, so he will need to find jobs here as well, though he is much more stable now than when they first moved into their apartment. Which makes me relieved and happy.

2. I had hoped to finish my first novel by the end of the year, but it's not going to happen. When my exams are finished, I'll give it more effort, but it's definitely not going to be done by the end of the year. So for the coming year, my hope/resolution is to have it finished AND edited by next December. That way I can start sending out query letters and hopefully find a publisher.

3. I very much hope to gather some real life experience, more than a session or two. I'd like to find a group around school that meets more than once a month so I could find real life friends in the lifestyle. Master and I are making plans to meet, but I'd like to visit them long term through the summer. Maybe a week. Kind of like a trial run for the moving in thing. A week isn't long, but it would give me a feel for how life would change.

4. To pass every class I take. I know I've failed Bio this semester as well as American Lit, so the plan is to pass Winter semester with great grades, and extend that into next Fall as well. I want to be able to say that I put 200% effort into my course work, instead of the 70% or so I gave this semester due to lack of motivation (aka depression).

There may be more to come later, but those are the pressing ones, the most important.

Appartengo a Lupo. <3

So much for my happy day.

It isn’t looking like it’s going to end well. I’m not even sure what to think right now.

Master and I were so happy earlier, talking, teasing, being fun. We got to talking about me moving in, and my answer. Things felt like they were falling into place, because he said they are looking for places in Michigan, homes to move into. Life would be great, I could move in and help out while still doing my own thing. I would be close enough to my family that I could still visit as much as I could afford to.

And then I asked Candy why she was so eager for me to move in. She’s confused, just like I am now, because she said “He always thinks I’m eager when I ask about stuff repeatedly.” She said the only reason she kept asking was so she could figure out where his thoughts were and how life would change with me with them.

So now I’m so very confused, and the pizza is rolling in my stomach, and I can’t talk to him about it yet because he’s working. Though I think I might just leave them to talk it out when he gets out of work. I’m kinda tired of being in the middle like this.

*sigh*

I’m not sure what to think anymore. My skeptical side is coming out. The rational side that has been screaming at me for a while now, “Why did you think this was EVER going to work out?” And I’m not sure. Mostly because I want it to. I want to try this. I want to be with him, with them. I want to do this for him and make him happy… but in the meantime, I have to deal with his wife and the miscommunications between them.

So we’ll see later how this turns out. See if it can be compromised on, or if that is another dream we both can’t have.

<3

A dilemma

I hate them. I'm one of those people who have to (usually) analyze the problem from every-which-way to decide which is the best decision... and then usually I'll analyze again, just to be sure.

This time the problem is location. Master's wife, Candy, has been telling him for weeks that she wants me to move in with them. Yes, let's count the ways that this could go wrong. I know there are many. But oddly... I actually want to. Enough that I asked her what colleges are around there.

Don't get me wrong, I do like it here at GV, but there are downsides. The number one of which is that I don't have friends here, and everyone I want to be around are at least 2 hours away. Master is around 4 and in a different state. GV is a great school and a great experience... and I think it's the school for me.

As much as I would love to move in with them and be there through it all, I wonder if it would be a good idea to transfer schools like this. Up-end my life AGAIN, only this time I don't have parents to bail me out (which, this semester they have, due to my lack of planning). not only would it put me even farther away from my family, but he's told me they're going to look at places in Michigan. Better places to raise a family and start a career. I'm just thinking that things are going to go just right for us, that when I move in with him, they'll find a place here, and we'll all be uprooted...

So I guess I've found my answer. I'll move in when they find a place to live here. Thank you, blank box, for helping me figure out my issues.

Appartengo a Lupo. <3

:)

I never know what to title my entries. So maybe I'll just start numbering them... Something to think on.

Master got a new phone and number the other day, and it's making life hell. I have a lingering suspicion that it's one of those really not made for texting... either that or he hasn't figured out how to turn off the word-fill-in thingy. So far the only thing I've been able to decipher from his messages is that he's missed me *grins* and "yesterday" actually means "yes"... Here's hoping he figures things out soon, because my offball text translating skills just don't cut it anymore.

I haven't talked to his wife again lately. I just get the impression she doesn't want to be good friends. Afterall, good friends exchange messages and phone calls occasionally right? I'm always the first to reach out with her, and I'm the one that has to put in waayyyy too much effort to keep a conversation going. And even though she's "so thankful that I'm there for her", I never really know what's going on unless Master tells me. So the ball is in her court. She has my number, my Facebook, my email. If she cares to talk to me, she has all kinds of ways to get through.

Things are well at school... as good as they're going to get I suppose. Actual classes are over today, for the rest of the semester, so I have all weekend to study and make my note card for the math exam. And do the extra credit for math too, some review problems, which is probably the best use of my time.

But right now, I'm thinking I'll take the day and relax, play a few games, work on Master's blanket.

Apparetengo a Lupo.

I hate this feeling...

... of not knowing what to do. Master's wife confided in me today that she feels very alone and as though he is avoiding her, doesn't want to be around her. But she hasn't been able to fix it, and says I'm not allowed to mention it to him. He'll only get upset with her for bringing me into it.

But what should I do about it? I mean, if she's feeling neglected and unwanted... what does that say about me? He's devoting all kinds of time to me, I know. So if he's avoiding her and spending time with me... why are they married? I understand love about as much as it is possible to understand it. I may be a virgin, but I'm not stupid or naive or blind.

But sometimes I feel blind. I can't see their love. She tells me those things, and he tells me how aggravating she is sometimes. And I never hear about them being happy. Or him telling me goodnight early because they're going to have a couple's night. Once since they've been married (for about 3.5 months or so) he's talked about sex with her, and that was just the other night. And he only brought it up to tease me, saying soon I'll be watching.

I don't understand their love, even though he's tried to explain it to me multiple times. It doesn't make sense to me. How can two people be together, yet not spend time alone, or work on their relationship, or even demonstrate their love...

I just don't understand. And now I'm in the middle again, wanting to help, feeling helpless (in a bad way) and as though I'm causing some of it (yet again)... And not being able to do shit about it.

Ugh.

OMG...

So while I'm still freaking out, I'll write all this down and update again after I've talked to Master more in depth...

He "let the cat out of the bag" today, while I was driving home from my grocery shopping trip. He has a collar for me...

Normally, this would be an amazing experience, but with our previous stipulations to the relationship, I'm not quite to the giddy phase yet.

You see, every relationship is different. Obviously. Master and I... well we've always had this "understanding" or "stipulation" in ours (since, as I've said before, he is not my forever) that if I find the One for me, I am free to leave. Of course, I would never just leave his life. We are best friends at the core, so we would remain friends of course. And I would never give everything I am to another without his full approval. I trust his judgment, and his opinion means the world to me.

So now that he's introduced the spoiler of a collar, I'm a bit freaked out. Despite the reassurance of a good friend, I still feel bitchy and cold when I tell myself that I need to make sure these "stipulations" still apply. It makes me feel selfish, as if I'm taking the shine off of what should be a beautiful thing, because I feel the need to have an "escape clause" of sorts.

On one hand, his talk of me graduating college and then moving in with him and his wife has me excited. I've been wishing to be there physically for them, cooking, cleaning, laundry, company, sex. Whatever else too. On the other hand, I still have at least 4 years to go... That's a long time. Everything could change in that time. So if by taking his collar I'm pledging myself to him until/unless he decides otherwise... I'm not sure I can do it. And thinking about possibly telling him no has my stomach churning, chest tightening, and nausea kicking in...

So there's my thoughts so far. We'll sit down to talk after he gets home from work.