Something Master Said Tonight

I felt I had to share. Maybe it's too personal. Maybe it'll make him blush because I shared something he said, which I am still teary eyed about. But I felt I needed to share this with the world, especially because I'm doing a project for a college class regarding dating violence in high school relationships.

Master: Kitty?
me: yes Master?
Master: I love you.
me: *smiles* i love you too.
Master: from the very depths of my soul sweetie
me: *nuzzles and tears* ditto
Master: You complete this (his life/marriage/what he needs in a partner that his wife can't give to him: her complete submission)... You make it better. *wipes your eyes* no tears, only smiles sweetie
me: I'm so very glad to have found a place to fit.
Master: And you fit so well. I'm so glad I burned your shoes.  (Ask me about this the next time I talk to you, and I'll explain the meaning behind 'my shoes'.)
me: *laughs* yes, we burned my shoes. shush. sleep.

Someday, when I have more time, I will tell the story behind my shoes. They are metaphor shoes, symbolic.

I am very blessed to be so intimate (not in the physical sense) with a man as strong, honorable, loving, giving, and many other things. I will forever be in awe of the fact that this man loves me for who I am, every molecule, because he knows everything. Every dark secret, every nightmare, every fear, every doubt... And he loves me anyway.
To be in such a relationship, to have it be my very first relationship even though it is "secret" from my family and not "Facebook-official" as my family says, is a huge standard to live up to, if I ever find my husband.

<3 Appartengo a Lupo completamenta a per sempre. <3
(I belong to Wolf completely and forever.)

Life Lately

I'm well aware that my post titles are boring and un-inventive. >.<

Life is slowly getting back on track. My knee is healing wonderfully after my surgery (patella reconstruction with a distal transfer). I'm so very sick of walking with crutches, but I try not to complain about it or break the rules and go without them. Doc says its bad and Master basically promises punishment if I break rules that Doc has set. So I'm doing my best to behave and follow all my instructions. Stretching is quite hard, though. It hurts to pull on those ligaments that he cut and moved, but it's part of the recovery process. If I don't rehabilitate them back to working properly, what was the point of the surgery? One thing that keeps me stretching and doing the at home therapy is the thought of kneeling again. It hurt to kneel before, but at least I could do it when my subby needed it.

Master's daughter is adorable, and so very serious. She will be 3 weeks old in 2 days. It upsets me so that I cannot be there to share in the baby duties or steal her away for a while for a cuddle bunny. I try not to think about the distance between us, but when I hear about his hard day, it hurts me to not be able to be there and make the home-life a little easier for him/them. So instead of dwelling on that, I make sure to organize his emails and look for jobs and online schools for him. It keeps me busy and helps him, so that helps me too.

On a bad note, I was given 4 tasks to do this week, due by Friday (yesterday), of which I only completed one, writing a report about kittens. (I think I'm going to go back and expand that report to be many pages, complete research on felines, instead of a small one page report.) I told him that I would finish them all today, but my allergies were reacting terribly to the increased mold/pollen count in the air, so I slept a majority of the day. *cringes* As much as I hate the d-word, I've disappointed myself in doing things other than Master's tasks. He has forgiven me for not doing them, without adding a punishment (which baffled me), and accepted that I will be finishing them.

My depression is still well under control (usually). Being stuck in bed, since it's the most comfortable place for me to be, is often depressing and boring, but I do a lot of stuff on the computer. I play a lot of games while watching Netflix, hence why I failed in my tasks. It helps that a few of my lost friends have found their way back to me. We've been talking every few days and catching up, which makes me happy.

Wishing happiness for all,
kitten

It's been such a long time.

I feel quite guilty, since one of my tasks for the summer was to write a blog post for both blogs once a week, and I've failed that miserably.

Life has turned around quite nicely. On Monday, Master's wife is being induced. Alexandria Rose will be arriving very, very soon, so I must finish her blanket quickly. It's coming along nicely, and my secret additions will be great as well. Master and Wife are going to be great parents, I believe. They know how not to parent their children and how not to treat them. Both have shady pasts that have made them the incredible people they are today, so I know that they will continue to rise above their pasts and excel in the future.

Three days ago, Wednesday, I had a reconstructive knee surgery on my right knee. I was released from the hospital on Thursday afternoon, and have since spent a majority of my time in my bed at home. The drugs keep me quite fuzzy headed, but usually free of pain. Today my family and I went grocery shopping, which I've since decided I wasn't ready for. I barely had the stamina for a shower earlier today, so why I decided to go shopping, I don't really know. I have plenty of yarn to keep me occupied and a crochet magazine with new patterns in it for me to learn. I'm having a good time learning new patterns and stitches.

I've learned a lot about myself since my medications have started working well. It's a surprising thing, discovering things about yourself that you should have known already. I've come to realize that I didn't know myself very well at all in my teen years.

I like to learn. I enjoy the reading and studying that goes along with my summer classes, Political Science and MicroEconomics. I'm looking forward to school starting up again, and so far am not intimidated by the 16 credits I'll be taking in the fall semester. I hand chose all of the classes for my schedules, so I am at least interested in the topic they cover, which definitely helps the eagerness. I added a minor in Women and Gender Studies also, and if the next few years' projected schedule of classes changes, I'll probably be adding a minor in Sociology as well. I also find that I look at genres other than romance and erotica, though mostly its nonfiction I browse through. (I've also had to put aside pleasure reading for the most part. With all the after-surgery medications and sleeping I've been doing, I don't have time to read anything but homework until the end of the semester.)

I am quite friendly, even though I am always shy. At work, I've made a few friends whom I hope to keep talking to even though I'm done working for nearly two years due to the surgeries. I like talking and interacting with people, which I'm glad to have learned since my major is Social Work.

My relationship with Master seems to just be getting stronger with time. I am rarely unhappy anymore, and especially not because of him. Our relationship is definitely not what I've found as the "norm" in this lifestyle, but it suits us and what we need. We are still D/s, and I am still his submissive, but I think I identify as more of a pet than a submissive. At least in our day to day relationship. I check his emails and sort through them to keep his inbox organized. We talk on and off through the day, in a "normal" exchange of dialogue, not the "proper" or tiered speech between a Master and sub. I definitely like the way we interact, as I feel more cherished and valued this way. I always felt awkward and tentative when speaking more formally with Master, and I don't like feeling that way. I go out of my way NOT to feel like that on a regular basis.

I think my long post has finally summed up the past few months. Nothing significant has happened, in the event sense, but so much has come into light lately that I felt I had to share with anyone willing to read.

Now I must go clear my head with a nap and get some homework read and written.

Appartengo a mi Lupo. <3

Devotion

Do you ever wonder where your devotion to your significant other came from? Did it spring up on you, out of the blue, like mine did?

I've been thinking about the past lately, and how I used to interact with Master. I'd been getting through a tough time, being the butt of two teenage guys' joke and a disastrous two meetings with a "dom", when he found his way into my life. His (now ex) sub was a friend of mine from a chatroom we frequented.

Being the quite, reserved, unsociable one I was (and still am to an extent), I started talking to him every night. At that point, we both were night owls and would sit and talk about things for 3 hours or more every night.

It didn't take me long at all to take a liking to him. He was a great listener, and liked to tease me, and I felt at ease (most of the time) when I was talking to him. When I say most of the time, I mean that I have this insecure/alternate side (doesn't everyone?) that tries to protect the kitten-y, subby one from what she deems "bad decisions." Master and I have deemed her Bitch.

Right off the bat, I felt a deeper connection, and it had me spooked. How the hell do you form such a deep connection with someone you've never met or seen a picture of? The feelings had me running scared for a while, but eventually life evened out.

My devotion stems from the way he's changed my life. I'm happy now. Not (only) because I belong somewhere unconditionally and unquestionably, but because the paths we've walked together have found a life I like. One that involves learning, working, and enjoying the hell out of (almost) everyday of my life. Sure, I still have my bad days. But who doesn't sometimes just want to laze about the house and do nothing for 24 hours?

I love my Master with everything I am, everything he's brought forth from the locked places inside, and everything we will discover in the future. He has earned every bit, and will have the gift of my submission for as long as he wishes.

Denying Fear (possibly rambling)

**"She knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would never physically hurt her.
"But deep down, in places where reason didn't exist, it didn't matter. Some fears remained, and they gnawed at her peace of mind, keeping her from true freedom."**
pg 298, Lori Foster's *A Perfect Storm*

I wrote this quote down and will shortly hang it on my bedroom door, but I felt I had to share. I bought this book yesterday, and have since finished it (am a huge bookworm). It is one I feel a great connection with, as I have with many Lori Foster books, not because I went through the same terrible childhood the main female did (her father sold her to sex traffickers for some drugs) but because there are a few strong things about her character and personality I can relate to.

But I didn't post this to compare her characters to myself. I started writing to explain that fear is perfectly normal. It could possibly even be categorized as healthy. If you aren't afraid of anything, then what are your goals for life? I do not believe you can be fear-free and so completely sure of yourself that you can do anything you please without hesitation.

Deep, deep down, you are scared of something. I'm talking waaaay down in your soul, you have a gut-instinct fear of doing something. Underneath the person you show everyone every day. Underneath your subby self or your Dom self. Maybe it's even a teenie-tiny molecule in the very middle of that floating ghost-like thing Harry Potter says is your soul. But you have a fear.

I have quite a few, most of which keep being stirred up this past week, either by a discussion group I sit in online or by nightmares I occasionally have.

Like Lori Foster's Arizona Storm, I have a fear of small, enclosed spaces, especially ones that lock. Afterall, if the wrong person holds the key to that lock, my life could easily be over. The same with being mummified or bound so completely that I have no escape route, no way to move or even wiggle.

I've come to terms with my fears, by which I mean that I've accepted that I'm terrified of both. I may not like admitting to them, but I no longer deny them. (It was extremely hard to deny my fear when someone planted the image in my head of me wrapped in saran wrap on the floor and I was thrown into a full blown panic attack.)

Even though that mental image put Master in control of the situation, standing over me and watching every millisecond, I am still terrified of the predicament. And that is okay.

As the submissive in the relationship, I (and you others as well) am ultimately responsible for myself. I've *given* Him the control, I *willingly* follow His orders and rules. But underneath that inner subby voice is also another one I've only recently stopped ignoring.

She says, "I am scared. Be very careful."

Though that voice is small and buried deep, the statement rings true. Don't deny your fear. Fear is an emotion, a very basic one, and it makes us human. Even though it does not sit well with me that there are situations where I could not turn over complete control to my Master or follow an order that stirred up down-to-the-bone fear, I've come to terms with it, and I hope He can as well.

Appartengo a mi Lupo <3

Pet vs Submissive

I’ve been thinking lately about the differences (in my opinion, of course) between a pet and a submissive. And I’ve been seeing definite differences. As purely his submissive, I believe I would be doing much more serving and cleaning, following orders and not being allowed to make sarcastic remarks and bratty backtalk.

Today Master is sick. He has a sinus infection/cold thing. So I pushed him back to bed and (politely of course) ordered lots of water and rest. Asked if he’d been to the doctor and called into work, which he’d done both. I think if I were merely his submissive, I wouldn’t be allowed to do such things. Aren’t the Doms supposed to be the ones in control and giving orders? The submissives generally follow directions and make suggestions, right?

As pet, I get to lay in his lap, and my pocket, and follow him around. We talk like a “normal” relationship’s couple would. We banter and tickle and tease. I don’t get in trouble for being a bit bratty or sarcastic or silly unless it is out of place or inappropriate or a step over the line. He is not in constant control of me, though I know he has a firm grip on my shiny leash (that I actually have possession of now *grins*). I should rephrase that. He has constant control, but it’s not conscious control, and I hope that makes sense. He doesn’t have to constantly establish and reaffirm his control and possession. I don’t need for him to do that anymore, just like I don’t need him to tell me exactly what to do with my day and what I need to accomplish anymore.

So that makes me wonder if I’ve gone more into the pet role instead of his always submissive. I don’t deny that I am still his submissive and always will be, but I am less dependent on that role for my happiness. I am happy just being his in whichever way he needs at that moment in time.

So to go back to my first statement of opinion, I think there are definite differences in the roles of pet and submissive. A pet seems to be more of a companion, whereas a submissive is subservient to her Master.

But that’s just this kitten’s point of view.

Apparetengo a mi Lupo. <3

Update

It's been a small amount of time, considering. But I really don't have much to say. Only (mostly) boring things.

Master will be signing papers to start his new job soon, which will include travelling in my direction. *smiles* So when school starts up again, I can go meet him as long as he isn't sharing a room with a coworker.

My summer classes have started great. I'm hoping for 4.0's to transfer back to my university. I think it would go a long way, were anything to happen next year, financial aid wise. Work is going well, too. It's nice to finally have a savings account building.

On a downside, I'm going to see a knee specialist next Tuesday. My mother seems to think there is something more to my knee problems than the other doctor told us about. So we'll see. This new one (she saw him too) says that I may need surgery, but he hasn't seen me or my xrays or anything. That was just through talking to her.

So, see? A boring post. Except for Master's job, part.

Appartengo a mi Lupo. <3

It feels very odd...

To have come to terms with the fact that I am no longer any sort of priority in some peoples' lives. In the beginning of my mad stage, I was upset that I no longer heard from them, even periodically. But since my last post, I've concentrated on my life. And things are just fine. I do not feel alone. Rather I feel good about myself, refusing to be an option for people. Maybe it sounds demanding of me, but I am not someone to be around to help them through the bad times or the boredom and then disappear when they find someone else to talk to.

So instead of pining and bitching, I've moved on. My summer classes start on the sixth, so I've been reading my textbooks and hopefully getting ahead of the game (the syllabi aren't even posted online yet, so I have no idea if I'm even reading an assigned chapter). Working is torture since my knees are seemingly getting worse. When 500mg of Vicodin wear off in an 8 hour shift, you know the pain level is high... Hopefully I can find something to take care of the problem, swelling I think, instead of the pain.

Master's wife will be having her baby soon, so I am working on their presents. I shall post pictures here when I'm done with them. :) I hope to have something to send to Master as well, but that is a secret for me to keep.

Appartengo a mi Lupo. <3

Come and Go Friends

I've been thinking lately about the people who have come and gone in my life. I've met so many nice people online that I've clicked with and become friends with. They helped me through the worst times and celebrated in the best.

But lately, I've taken inventory of my Yahoo! IM list, and realized that I don't talk to over 3/4 of those people very often. Many I deleted due to their inactivity in my life (due to not having anything to talk about or bond over), and they have occasionally popped back up into my screen and tried to start a conversation. Me being not a good socializer to start with, didn't know what to say, so the conversation went flat and I closed the window.

I've found that a lot of the people who have fallen out of my life, at least temporarily out, have started relationships. They started to revolve their online life mostly around their significant other, and were never around to talk to. What gets to me is that when they come back into my life and start making small talk (or big talk) they expect to pick right up where everything dropped off. There are very few people I do that with, two of four of them being online friends (and one being my Master, though things never drop off with him).

Why do people think they can drop out of your life, and then reenter and act like nothing has changed? Many things have changed, including a lot in my life in a short-ish period of time and said friend ditching my company (even catching up once a week or so) for their significant other. There are ways to stay in communication that don't involve IM-ing every night, and all of the people who have disappeared have my email and Fetlife information to send messages.

I guess it just bothers me... obviously. I am in near constant contact with my own Master, keep his email organized, play a games on Facebook with 3 separate accounts (a game that donates to helping the world become a better place, so I may be addicted, but I am addicted to a good cause), go to school, and work a part time job. ON TOP OF spending time with my family and relaxing.

I don't see how dropping in on a friend now and again, even while life is busy, is so hard. Some people may not agree with me, and say that communication works both ways. To that I say that I was not the one who disappeared and had no time to talk. All of my free time does not revolve around my Master, and I very rarely tell my friends that I can't talk due to talking to him.

I don't make people a priority when they show me that I am an option.

Appartengo a mi Lupo <3

Life has gotten in our way again. Our D/s relationship seems to have mostly fallen to the side, though I would never say I am neglected. We support each other in the day to day stuff, and we are always in contact. I think that if a whole day passes, and I haven't heard from him, I would start to worry a lot.

But I don't feel particularly submissive. Master has requested that I start kneeling for him before each shower in the morning, but my knees are taking a horrible beating because I am not yet used to being on my feet and working so long. So I tried it today, and it didn't go so well. But I can honestly say I tried. It just feels like someone is pulling my knee in top and bottom directions when I kneel... :(

Another thing is my non-existent sex drive. I'm not sure what it means or where it stems from, whether its the birth control or the constant busy-ness of life right now. But its been weeks since I've come last, and I don't really have a drive to do so. I'm not sure that I would even get a subby glow or anything if he told me to do so... Which worries me.

But then again, I'm exhausted. And rambling. So I could be completely crazy.

Appartengo a Lupo <3

Short and Sweet Memory

This is a song that marks many special moments in my life, and this latest moment is no different. I'm laying in bed right now, attempting to rid yet another headache when my mind wanders back to the hotel room.

Master was so worried he was going to keep me awake with his snoring (since apparently his wife exaggerates about it) that he was prepared to attempt to sleep propped up on a stack of pillows. I won't ever forget it, even though I was blurry with sleepiness then, cuz it was so thoughtfully cute (I may pay for this later). He made me dig out my MP3 player and headphones before he would move down and get comfortable, so I fetched it. And turned on this song.

The first memory of this song I have is when I would play it on repeat when talking to an old friend late at night. I was crazy about him, and would fight sleep until 6am just to sit and talk with him about anything under the moon. Half the time, I was giving him girl advice, but apparently that didn't seem to phase me.

I laid listening to the song in the hotel bed, and alternated between staring at SportsCenter on the TV and the ceiling and Master, so I wouldn't seem creepy. But I didn't want to sleep, because that meant our time was running out. So I played the one song guaranteed to help me stay awake.

Appartengo a mi Lupo.

Right Hand, Left Hand

I asked Master the other day to clarify things for me a bit. It happens from time to time, my romantic side gets carried away and loses touch with my subby side, so that feelings of love and in love get combined and mixed up.
So I asked him if, in his ideal world where everything was as he and we wanted it, if his wife and I were equal in standing, living together as a family and functioning as such. And his answer was so simple, that I've come to expect them from him, these easy to visualize and understand explanations.

"My ideal world is very complete. There is no standing. No ranking. There is only 1 and 2, like left and right. Do I favor my right hand more than left, simply because it's my dominant hand, because I write, eat, and act with it? No. My right hand has more responsibilities and is used most often and is what most respond to. However, my right could not survive without the left. My left holds its own significance in its own right, which cannot be taken away from it."

"So you do love me with the same intensity and such as you do her, but it's just a bit different because she is your dominant hand."

"Yes. Exactly."


Poly still baffles my head sometimes, but at the same exact time... it doesn't feel wrong. It doesn't feel like it's anything that shouldn't be done or should be outlawed. It's one of those things that works for some people and may not for others.
I have my doubts that my family would ever accept such an arrangement, so I hope with all my heart that someday the answer comes to light. Maybe Master isn't the one I'll be with for the rest of our lives or for however long our D/s relationship lasts. Maybe there is someone else down the line that will fill those urges as well as give me a family and marriage.
I can't say either way. I've learned not to think too hard on it. It only causes unneeded stress and migraines. I've learned to live for the foreseeable future. That foreseeable future holds Master and my leash and collar, lots of college classes, a lot of writing in one form or another, and learning about myself.

I do know that I'm where I'm supposed to be. And that he loves me, regardless of left or right, or 1 or 2.

Appartengo a Lupo.
mi Lupo.

Latest Update- yes it's been forever

One of my friends basically told me yesterday that if I could have a dose of Master’s dominance (or personal time, or scene, or whatever you’d like to call it) once a month, I could probably stay away from my medications. *grins* He may be right, however unlikely that time could happen. Easter weekend. All the college students heading home for tasty family meals. I did that on Saturday, so I can count myself one of those students.

But first was a weekend getaway with Master. I was so excited, because the last time I was at a hotel there was a giant swimming pool and I have been itching to go swimming for the first time in a long time. So after the 2.5 hour drive and 80+ miles, I finally found the hotel, but drove in circles trying to find the entrance to the lobby. Turned out that the lobby wasn’t attached to the actual hotel, it was a little office building across the parking lot and hidden behind an empty restaurant. So blah, blah, I checked in and wandered back over to find our room, brought my bags (yes plural) in and spread my sheet out on the bed. (I have allergies and the last thing we needed was something horrible to spoil our time.)

Just as I started wondering what the hell I was going to do to pass the time, he’s walking in the door. I hadn’t even been there ten minutes, so my anxiety meds hadn’t gone to work (yes, I did take them when I got there). So after hellos, we laid on the bed and watched a TV show on USA (I can‘t remember what we watched, I was busy calming down). Being me and new to everything, he made all the first moves. Teased me over my trembling hands. Started a majority of any conversation. I can’t say which order things went in, as things are still blurry. Stripping, being chastised about folding my clothes instead of bunching them up, blindfolded, flogged, a hair brush spanking, blindfolded and sucking Master’s cock, and then sex. And lots and lots of cuddles. I was really glad there wasn’t anything inside that tore during the first time, but a little flap of skin on the outside tore. I’ve tore it myself before *blushes and tries to look innocent* Ladies, hopefully I’m not the only one…

Anyways, *sighs* the sex was really great. I, of course, have no comparison, but still. Except for the soreness of that torn skin. I’m pretty sure that was the only thing wrong with that picture. I shall not be happy if it happens again… Dinner was a trip down the street to Dairy Queen for burgers, fries, and vanilla ice cream (though he had his dipped in chocolate).

Sleeping with another person is kinda weird if you’ve never done it before. Personally, the only other person I’ve shared a bed with would be my cousin, but we’re the best of friends and share just about everything, so there was no weirdness there. We’ve been sharing a tent and bed since we were 6. Sleeping with Master was very different, since he first tried to be gallant and sleep mostly upright to spare me any snoring. Apparently I persuaded him otherwise (that part is foggy cuz I was worn out and sleepy) cuz he slid down and we curled up again. I only woke up a few times, because he moved and rolled or something. My cousin doesn’t move much in her sleep, so it’s something I’m not used to. Morning was unwelcome, most definitely. Not only do I not like to wake up before 10, but morning also meant the vacation was coming to an end. And it made me grumpy. So after a little breakfast, I got flogged again. Grumpiness gone.

That was four days ago, and I’ve been bouncy and happy since. I have bite bruises popping up everywhere, had to actually text Master and ask him if he’d bit my calf, because I couldn’t remember. That’s the biggest and most colorful bruise I have. And my online kinky friends have been horrible influences, so much so that I’ve been provoking him… I’ve been promised more bruises all over next time. Apparently Master already has the next visit’s activities planned out. Now that I’m impatient for summer to get here, I’m also impatient for it to be over so that I can start school again. Because I’m told that will probably be when the next visit is, some time in the fall.

*cracks fake Domme whip over the calendar* Move faster, dammit.

Appartengo a Lupo. <3

Ricominciare- To begin again; to start over

Oh, what to say, what to say. There’s so much that has happened, but I just don’t seem to have the words… Writer without words lol. Take note, because it doesn’t happen all that often.

Tonight the decision about me staying with Master or leaving was left up to his wife, who is upset with the way things are between them, feeling left out, and feeling bitter because of their history together.

I had a chance to talk to her tonight, to explain my side of things and listen to hers. And I learned a lot. Her subconscious tells her that him having any kind of sexual relationship with me that doesn’t include her is considered cheating. Which, in a sense, I can completely understand that. Poly isn’t for everyone. Hell, I didn’t think it was for me until I met Master. Even in the very beginning stages of our friendship, I was completely anti-poly. Now I’m much more open to things… I can’t say new things, because I’m still closed minded about some things… I guess I should say that I’m open to learning about new things, not always open to trying things.

So anyways, I voiced my side of things and explained how broken and alone I would feel if she cast me out, how much purpose serving him gives me, how happy it makes both he and I. She seemed to understand that, and I think that it had a lot of impact on her decision. She said she was originally going to say no to me staying.

We talked things out and agreed to more of a couple-swap relationship… though there are only three of us… it’s a little odd, but I have good feelings about it. Her and I’s plan is to include her more in the details of the relationship, instead of completely separating the relationships. Something I explained to her was how I viewed all the relationships. We are a triangle, so think of three people holding strings. He and I have our D/s relationship. She and he have their marriage. She and I have a (potential) friendship. Unless we choose to make them do so, our relationships don’t have to cross.

I feel very clean right now, having bawled my eyes out earlier when talking to Master, before I talked to Candy. I feel like I’m finally ready to shed the negative feelings and start over again. I feel like maybe she and I can finally be friends or get a bit closer, at least. She told me that she’d like for their baby to have an aunt like me to help minimize tension between the ethnicities as the child grows up and I could barely refrain from saying that if they moved closer to me and my family, the experience would be even better. My family is white, but I have adopted black cousins. No one takes into consideration their skin color and the social stigmas associated with it when addressing them or dressing them or giving them advice. They’re simply my cousins, just a part of the family. *grins* although the oldest made a hilarious remark the last time we spent time at our campground. Something like… “No one would even know I was here, if I closed my eyes and didn’t smile.” (spoken while sitting on a tree stump in the very dim light of hot coals in the fireplace) Yes… yes he was very right, because they proceeded to scare the shit out of the rest of the family when we made our way to our respective campsites.

I’ve also been researching articles and sites about tips on being a better submissive, so if anyone has any favorite sites or articles relating to submission itself, it would be a great help to me.

Appartengo a Lupo <3

Live and Learn

Does anyone else feel clean after a punishment? Master has this way of letting things go after they happen and are dealt with.

Last night I came to a conclusion after some forced time alone. I haven't been submissive lately, not in the real sense of the word. I'm selfish: I make the relationship about myself and us, and my feelings, when it should be about him and us and our feelings. I'm stubborn: I'm not always open or welcoming to change or new things, even if it is what he wants and believes is best. I'm bitchy: some days are worst than others, but there is a voice in my head that is sometimes given control that says to lash out or let her feelings out when I should be shutting my mouth and listening or not interrupting.

I think it started when his time became pressed. When things ended with his last sub, I had him to myself for a while. Then he got married, and now they're expecting. The wife and other things keep him away. So I started pushing the boundaries. At first, I was hesitant to do anything (or to not do anything that I was supposed to be doing), but after a while I stopped getting reminders. I don't have a summary of my week to email him anymore. There was a set schedule for me to complete each week (a certain thing for each day), and I stopped that as well.

But it's not all my fault, as he admitted last night. I pressed the boundaries, and he let me out of the bounds he set without consequence. He admitted it openly and said he's working on a way to remedy it. I can't much comment on his side of things.

So far, I'm only halfway done with my punishment, as I had to rush to class. But even hitting the halfway mark and laying in my bed, I feel a little better. Sure, my ass is on fire, but mentally and emotionally, I feel a bit freer, like FINALLY things are going to get better. Finally we can wipe the slate completely clean, not just his end, because honestly everything stays with me for a long time. It takes me a long time to be able to forgive and forget, and to move on from something.

So with this punishment, I'm very much hoping to wipe my mental slate clean, to start a new chapter. Well, I shouldn't say after this punishment, though I'll start wiping things away then. But when his plan comes to light 6 days from now, I will start anew.

Appartengo a Lupo. <3

Books

I love to read, and when I found this book on a woman's journey into her submissive/slave life, I fell in love with it.



The book is amazing, and the female lead even more so. Serena accepts a one week contract to be Damon's submissive, and the story weaves through her feelings of overwhelming desire, nerves, and acceptance. She's finally found where she belongs in life. But with one word, she can end the contract and return to the life she had before, the business she built from the ground up.

I think it's an amazing view into a D/s or M/s relationship. Some of the aspects still scare me, but I don't think I'm slave material anyway. I don't think that I'm the kind of person to be able to stay at home and be the housewife, making sure dinner is prepared and the house clean before greeting him just inside the door when he returns from work... Alright, so my future self will stay at home often (hopefully) but not just to keep the house clean and food cooked. Writers don't laze about the house or do all the housework. We have work to do as well... There's just the huuuuuge bonus of being able to do it on our own time schedule.

Anyways, I readily recommend this book and the rest of the series. There is another one due out in April called Sweet Addiction and omg I can't wait to read it.

Appartengo a Lupo <3

So Sick

I hate Mother Nature... the beotch.

On that note, since I seem to have a horrible cold and refuse to spread it to my Art classmates, I shall update my blog.

In the last week or so, Master and I have had a heart to heart about natural things that have happened in life and our responses to them. We definitely handle death of loved ones about the same way. Isolation. Time to ourselves. Definitely alike there.

And I had my ass beaten last night. Deserved every bit of it as well. I was given a 24 hour ban from the chat room I love to frequent for sassing the owner and breaking a rule. So not only did I get my punishment for that, but I might have called Master a doofus as well... I won't do that again.

The good that's come from all of this? Being reinforced mentally: no sassing, be respectful to everyone, and ignore those I'd rather yell at. Also, no calling Master names...

To change the subject, I'm not feeling like the semester is starting off well, at least in the attendance category. 2 skipped classes in the last 2 days, though I do blame it on the sickness. I am spending a portion of my spare time reading for the classes though, which is much better than the 2% I gave to the reading last semester.

I do believe that is all.

Appartengo a Lupo <3

My journey lately...

...has been pretty shitty. I thought about censoring this to prevent from possibly upsetting people or making my Master out to be a bad Dom. We have our good and happy times, our bad and upsetting times, just like any real couple does whether they're D/s or vanilla or somewhere in the middle. But I would never call him a bad Master, not ever. He plays the cards he's been dealt, just like all of us do. Sometimes his choices don't line up with mine, but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to our relationship value.

Master's been too busy to be around very much lately, and his wife is on bed rest due to pregnancy complications. He has a lot on his plate besides taking care of me, and I haven't made his job any easier with my cold shoulders and my snippy comments.

After a few failed attempts at addressing things and finding a solution, we finally had a conversation that ended in a hopeful fix. I feel like I finally said everything I needed to. He's told me she's still insecure in the marriage and there's nothing I can do about it. Time and patience.

Part of this new beginning is on me. I need to change my attitude about her. And I know it's going to be hell to do it because I believe what I believe and she's not helping that at all. Since I've stopped reaching out and attempting to talk to her, she hasn't bothered to reach out to me either. And that does make me a bit bitter, yes. Pisses me off because she's told me often that she loves me and appreciates how much I've been there for her. It upsets me because of how close I know we could be, and with the possibility of them moving to my state and close to my hometown, I could live with them. It's so very frustrating to know how great of friends we could be and to have to sit and wait for her to realize that he chose her for a reason.

There's no bitterness in that statement. I know my place, I know who I am and who I am to him. I am his submissive, not his wife. I haven't thought of taking her place or splitting them apart. "I'm not asking for you to reach out. But I want to only hear positive and reassuring things from you when it comes to her." So here's to changing my attitude.

While I am working on the best submissive I can, he has things to work on too. He says he will work on finding time for D/s time. And showing me the good in his marriage, his life. I think that has a lot to do with my feelings of negativity. I don't hear him talk about the good times or the couple's night in, only when the house is a mess and she's upset.

So here's to new beginnings at the beginning of the new year. Perfect time, I suppose. There are new resolutions to add to the previous list.

1) Be the best submissive for Master that I can be.

2) Give more effort to understanding Master's home life and compensating accordingly.

Appartengo A Lupo. <3

Unsubby and a Hopeless Romantic

I've been feeling odd lately, and I think I've finally figured out why.

I don't feel submissive. Not at all lately.

It's nice being Master's secretary and taking care of things for him. I like being useful and helping him stay organized and such. It doesn't take much energy or time for me to sort his emails or let him know of something important he needs to read. I have the time and energy to do it when he doesn't.

But I guess I relate submission to the sexual side, even when I questioned it in the beginning of our relationship. I think that even though I didn't think it was important, that it really IS important to keep the connection. Embarrassingly, my mother gave me this whole speech before I left for school in the fall about how sex is an important part of a relationship. If your sex lives don't mesh well, then odds are against your relationship lasting very long. And there has been nothing sexual about our relationship lately. It's a piece of us that has gone missing and I'm missing it.

On another note, or maybe it's just a branch of the same tree, I've been wondering lately where Mr. Right is. As much as I don't like it, Master isn't the One for me, since he's going to stick things out with Candy. To him I will always be second and second best. Second place. And while I can be alright with that for a while, because I'm content here or have been, it can't be anywhere near forever. I'll always be unhappy on the deepest level.

Being my romantic self, I feel there is someone out there for all of us. At least one someone. I want someone to want me. To love me. To need me. To feel incomplete without me.

These are the days that I understand how my cousin can move so fast into his future, to rush into a proposal and a family. Because he's needed and wanted and loved unconditionally in that special way that drives men crazy and women to deal with the pain of childbirth. I want that relationship where the honeymoon never seems to end.

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