Long Time No Write

Wow, it's been longer than I remember. So much has happened since my last post, and I hope not to get too emotional when writing about it all. Let's see...

Master has since then picked up a few jobs, so he's working 3 jobs part time now. After picking them up, he warned me that things were going to get even harder with his RL being so crazy. We cooled things down, and they're still cool. I follow the rules, but he doesn't check up on me or text me through out the day now. Contact is a bit spotty, though I'm growing closer to his wife. I feel good about that too. She needs to know I'm not trying to replace her, which I'm not. Master and I will never get married, or have kids, and it's possible we'll never live together. And now those thoughts don't fill me with longing or dread. I've come to terms with it. Our love isn't an "in love" or a marriage kind of love. It's different than those, but that never means that I mean any less to him than his wife. It hurts us both when things start going downhills, or the other is alone and hurting. Our love is different, not less important.
Don't let this summary fool you. We split for a few days to adjust our outlooks and think about how to handle things... and during those days I was a complete wreck. No eating, always sleeping, no homework or going to class. It was a nightmare. And I now know that the depression settled in HARD during that time.
On another hand, I still wonder if it's unhealthy to depend so heavily upon another person for happiness and feeling useful to the world. Sometimes I think that the idea of it being unhealthy is very vanilla, after all a submissive's job is to ensure her Master's happiness and if he isn't happy, she isn't either. To contrast that, I sometimes think being happy alone might be a "single status" thing, being without a partner. I concentrated on myself when I didn't have him around, and though I wasn't too good at it, I only had to worry about myself. Now I have to worry about him and me, and his mood affects mine. I'm not sure what I think of this dilemma yet.

When I started school, I went on antidepressants. I'm open about it and have no problem telling anyone that I take them. Earlier this week, I got a prescription for a stronger one, as the first just wasn't doing the job well enough. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I'm truly happy. The sun is shining outside, I walked to classes with a smile on my face, and agreed last night to give my all to being Master's slave instead of his submissive. I'm not saying I'm constantly happy or anything, but I'm now seeing the glass as both half full and half empty, instead of mostly empty. So if you have depression issues, or suspect you do, there is no shame in talking to your doctor. These medicines work. I am proof.

Getting closer to his wife is going well. We're growing as people and I hope that she's not faking interest in being friends. I've been warned multiple times that she could be looking at the situation as a "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" type deal. But she's not that kind of person, that statement coming from both Master's description of her and my experience. We don't always see eye to eye, but we don't fight over it, which I like. And she's currently helping me surprise him with an After-Christmas visit, although Master is wanting me to come at the same time and going to spoil the surprise.

Oh well. Things will work out.

If I remember anything else, I'll put it in the next post. To sum up, I'm happy again. It's nice to not hate my life anymore, even if I don't understand why I did in the first place.

Appartengo a Lupo. <3

A Depressing and Dreary Day

When I wake up to a morning that's rainy, dark, and dreary, there's a switch that flips in my head. Like today.

I woke up to my alarm at 7:30, sat up to turn it off, and my head exploded in pain. Terrific. That plus the fact that I could find absolutely no motivation to go to an early class had me finding Master's weather online and then going back to sleep.

Days like this drive me to think in depth sometimes. And I've come to a conclusion. There is a startling difference between being happy and being happy. One is a day to day thing, the other looking long-term at life in general.

Day to day, it always varies. Mostly, it depends on my contact with Master, his day, his mood, his stress leve. I think I take on his tone (happy, stressed, etc.) because I'm not so good at dealing with my own. See, there's technically nothing horrid about my life. I have an amazing and caring (secret) boyfriend (of sorts), food in the fridge, a room to myself in the dorms, and a great school, not to mention a loving, supportive family.

But obviously there's something that triggers days like this. On one level I know I should take the time to figure it out, that I shouldn't depend on Master for my mood, my happiness. But I wonder if that is a vanilla thing, the assumption that it's unhealthy to depend on another for happiness. His happiness makes me happy, his upset makes me upset. And when he's stressed and tired, but happy to hear from me, in return I get a bit stressed wanting to make it better even though I can't, yet am happy to hear from him as well.

Just more ramblings. But then, you tune in to read them.

Appartengo a Lupo.

Rambles

Have you ever just woken up one morning and known that it was going to turn into a bad day? Even if the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day outside?

Welcome to my life. Lately it happens more often than not. Today was all about me reminding myself that I'm not the centerpoint of this relationship. That he has bigger things to take care of, to deal with. "You are to be always aware of Master's constant stresses."

I try to be a stress-free part of his life. But I know I'm not. There's no way I can be, with my semi-constant neediness and occasional playful attitude. both of which usually kick in at the very least convenient time possible.

It made me think tonight. How is it that we, as submissives, are supposed to support our Dom/me, make their lives less stressful, and do as much as we can for them... and yet turn around and (either sometimes or many times) cause them stress with our worries and "drama" and self-doubts? And how the hell does something like that get fixed?

Patience and Rambling Thoughts

Something I believe I need to revisit and relearn. Just a few weeks ago, I though I had a high patience level. Maybe I'm just pmsing, but this is the second time in a week that I've been impatient and selfish with Master. I don't like that he's so busy. It makes him so tired, and that makes him go to bed early, which subtracts time from me. Ergo, selfish. But that's my fault. After all, isn't it the submissive's job to be there for her Master, to comfort and be what he needs when he needs it? And get her needs fulfilled in return? I've been going about it backwards, I think, adding another check under the Selfish column.

Sure, there has to be an underlying cause... but I couldn't tell you what it is. I'm not really sure, though I know I'm always waiting for bad news. With my short but painful history with guys, I have a hard time believing he wants to keep me, even 8 months later. It's a work in progress thing. I've definitely come a long way, but still have a ways to go. Unfortunately, history isn't just something you can erase and pretend never happened... Well, the pretending can happen, but the erasing of memories never really works right. Just ask Willow. One spell gone awry and no one even knows their name anymore. (That's a Buffy reference, if you didn't know.) Memories and experiences (even the bad ones) are what make us who we are. If we take them away, we might as well regress in life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the experiences of every day before now.

So in a rambling conclusion, impatience and selfishness are very bad. They rarely get you what you want, and you don't deserve to get what you want if you act out. Supporting the Dom/me is the submissive's position, that's what we signed up for. Patience gets us what we need and want, combined with support.

Appartengo a Lupo   :)

Planning a Visit

Life got hectic for a while. It does that sometimes, unfortunately. So now I'm finally connected back the 'net and able to write. My muse has even made an extended visit, so I've gotten some novel-writing done.

Things with Master and his wife have improved tremendously. She and I are talking again, laughing like friends. It's nice, even though we're not the best of friends. We talked about Christmas presents and what I'm going to give him. I'd like to be able to actually hand it to him, but it might not happen that way.

He received my birthday card and presents earlier today. I got the most indescribably sweet text too. "*pepper(with kisses) and whispers* you by far have pleased me to no end. I have never felt the way I feel for you with any other submissive. you have shown your true devotion to me. And for that I am thankful." I cried. I'll happily admit it. That was just the last straw and I got all teary, though the rest had been because of a bad day.

We are now planning a weekend visit. I'm so very excited, and was speechless when they suggested it. I didn't know life was that stable, but apparently it is. It's nice to hear that they're settling into their apartment so nicely. *smiles* Master tells me he has a comfy corner set up, just for me. I can't wait to curl up in it. And a leash! He actually bought a leash, but won't even tell me what it looks like, and won't let her tell me either.

So we'll figure things out soon, I hope. I'm antsy with the thought of actually going now, whereas two months ago I was terrified of the idea of going. Why, I'm not quite sure. maybe it was because the actual visit makes everything real, makes it solid. Makes it true, reality. I don't think I was truly prepared for such a reality then.

I think I am now.

Buona notte.

Confession

Whoever it was that decided confession is good for the soul is right. Tonight, when he brought things up, I finally told Master that I have only been following his instructions when I remember to.

Ashamed and upset with myself? Yes, definitely. I will be putting more effort into things from now on.

The only thing I haven't yet figured out is how to bring up the topic of not doing something properly. I wasn't lying or omission, because lately he hasn't asked about that specific part. We both mostly forgot about it, with all the real life drama that's been going on. But I know that I should have done better, and I will now.

Just Some Thoughts

This weekend has been pretty hard on me. I've been slowly going crazy since I got my first exam scores back. Failed 2 out of 3... yeah, not so good. So to keep myself sane, I've been rearranging my study schedule, spending a lot of my free time reading and studying the notes for Biology.

But tonight a thought has been bugging me. What if we never get back to how things were? Master says things are always changing, and I suppose he's right. But change isn't always good. And if we're always changing, then how will things ever be stable again? The definition of stable is unmoving and unchanging. So does that mean no relationship is truly ever stable?

I don't always feel stable anymore, unfortunately. And I hate to admit it. I hate admitting that I'm not rock steady and always ready for life, but I rarely truly ready. Take this new change to our relationship. I knew something was going to have to change, but still it was such a shock that I couldn't eat much of anything for 3 days straight. It wasn't healthy, but I couldn't deal. And now that I am dealing with it, I'm wondering what's going to happen next.

But probably I shouldn't be writing anything while medicated on Valium and tired. Probably I should turn my focus over to Master and talk to him for a while before bed.

So buona notte.

The Nerve of Some People

I wrote a post on Fetlife the day before yesterday before bed. I expressed the situation between Master and I, about how his time was limited now and we both had to rearrange our priorities. We don’t like it. We don’t want it to happen. But we have to do it. It’s the best solution for everyone involved.

So I wrote a post looking for suggestions about what to do so I didn’t miss him so much. He’d surprised me earlier that day by coming online via Yahoo and chatting with me for a while, so I asked them what they would do to lessen the pain I felt when he had to leave again. I was just looking for a little sisterhood, some relation with other people, thinking maybe by sharing experiences, I’d find a few more submissive female friends.

The replies to my post blew my mind, and I‘m still reeling 24 hours later. Other female “submissives” told me I needed to get a life, to find other things to occupy my time. To leave the one I call Master, because he couldn’t give me the attention I needed. Basically, most of the 17 responses told me to move on and find someone else who could give me everything…

Isn’t a relationship about compromise? Giving and taking, in all aspects? It’s a cowards way out if you can’t last through the hard times. If your first thought when things get rough is to get out and give up, you’re not in this for the long haul. Running at the first sign of trouble tells me that you’re a fake and are only playing at something that the rest of us take seriously and need to complete our lives.

Do people have nothing else to do with their time, that they have to pretend online to be something and/or someone they’re not? How pathetic is that? I mean, if they’re only starting out and finding out about themselves, then they wouldn’t be assuming so much or acting so knowledgeable. Right? So people telling me that I need to move onto someone else and give up and walk away from everything I could be and could have with him, and could GIVE to him… It makes me sick.

And with all this stress hitting at once, I’m sick enough and already not eating, so I don’t need the drama.

Day 2

Today has been one of those days, hovering between good and bad. I woke up bitchy. Who wants to get up before the sun to be at a Plant Biology lecture at 8:30am? Sure as hell, not this one. Then back to the dorm for a nap. Italian at 1 (today was boring as hell). Then my day was done.

Well. The school day. Unfortunately, being done that early gives me all kinds of time to sit and think. And today? not a good thinking day.

Do you ever go a full day without talking to your Master? I'm talking a full 24 complete hours without a text, call, instant message, or skype date. Mine hasn't said a word to me in 32 hours. A very busy day for him I suppose. It makes me miss him terribly. The day is lonely, with no friends on campus.

Day 1

Just recently Master has decided he needs to rearrange his priorities. Life is getting in the way of us and he has to transfer some of his time elsewhere. While it devastated me for the first day, so much so that I didn't eat a thing and skipped my two classes to lay in bed all day, I'm much more rational now.

Sometimes things have to be rearranged in order to be healthy for everyone involved. Poly is different than anything I've ever experienced before, not that I've had actual vanilla relationships before. But I know how they work. Two people, managing their outside time and their relationship time. Well poly is no different in that way, just that there are two women in his life, not just one. His wife is first priority, her happiness and security. His second (I think) is his job, which should be soon turning into two jobs. Plus school, hopefully. I'd love to see him be the first in his family to get a college degree. *smiles*

Contrary to the thoughts I've heard on the subject, I'm quite ok with my situation. So many have told me that he is not being a "real Master", or that he "does not deserve" me. They're wrong. I know the details, more than I probably wanted to know. And I support his decision. He's doing what he needs to do for the good of all three of us, not just him and his wife. He has included me in his decision-making and the final decision. Granted, I'm not too happy he wants to find someone to watch over me while he's busy, but that's his decision. If it gives him greater peace of mind while he's running around and dealing with the stresses of life, I'll gladly have a handful of people watch over me.

I was told tonight that he wants someone to watch over me because he's scared to lose me. *smiles* If that's true, I welcome the watchers. I can deal with them, if that's what it takes for him not to worry about me. Afterall, this is a great chance to change my bad habits. Instead of waiting around to hear from him, I'll know when I should hear from him. So that way I'll concentrate (theoretically) more on my struggling Bio and Math grades, and study Italian... oh and possibly work on my American Lit paper drafts. Though the first ones are more pressing.

Ciao! Buona notte! (Good night) :)

Selfish Sub?

Today's been one of those "off" days. I told Master I'd take my camera outside and shoot some landscapes, something we both like to do. Since I'm at a college he went to, it would make him happy if I were to send him a few pictures.
But I just don't have the motivation. And that makes me doubt my submission some days. What kind of submissive wants his attention focused on her through the day? Especially when we're poly and he's married! I'm not feeling neglected, I don't think. Just needy today. And it always turns out that my needy days are the days when Master is most busy.
The other day I was playing a game on Facebook (yes, I'm very guilty of those) during a break from homework and a chat box pops up. He's pleasantly surprised me with his lunch break. 40 whole minutes of him, all to myself. Except that, while it was great to have that time, I was about to log off and do more homework. My motivation to study had been quite high that day. So today, when my motivation is extremely low, I don't even get a good morning or any quality time at all. He's killing spiders in his new apartment with his new wife.
So here I am, sitting around trying to write a story in my pajamas, figuring I'll just eat cereal for supper. Wondering what kind of submissive I can be when I'd rather he focus on me instead me focus on him. I hope I'm not the only one to get this kind of attitude. If so, maybe I'm not a submissive at all? Maybe I was just looking for somewhere to be wanted, someone to show me some kind of attention.

Just Starting Out

I've recently decided to join the trend and start a blog. Why, I have no idea. Probably to help keep the creative juices flowing. How, that I truly don't know. So I'm probably just going to ramble most times.

I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I found myself interested in pursuing this life choice. When I stop to think, I've learned so much, but it doesn't seem like it's been so long. And- at the risk of rambling- it doesn't feel like I've learned anything at all. It just seems like there was a box, and I needed one special person to help me open it and explore the contents. We haven't even made a dent in the pile yet, either. On March 21, 2012, I will have been owned by Master for one full year. The feelings are indescribably intense.

I reread that conversation just today. Found myself panicking as I read howI asked to be his and to learn and to be taught by him. And breathing a sigh of relief at his shocked and delighted response. Just like one of those romance comedies where you know that the main character is going to say yes to the marriage proposal because you've seen it a billion times, but you still hold your breath and get excited anyways? Just like that. I was going to use a horror movie analogy, but 1-it was thrilling, not horrific, and 2-I don't watch horror movies.

That is all for tonight. I'll write more tomorrow, instead of studying, about how the relationship is progressing and how things are going in the present.