So now what I have my grades back, I can finally relax... Or so I thought. I passed 3 of 4, so that was a relief. Except that I got an email from my Social Work program adviser. She told me that I have the winter semester to bring my GPA up or I have the possibility of being denied enrollment for next year....
Talk about a heart attack. I'm finally getting my life turned back around, meds working, motivation and happiness levels up, and they're telling me it's possible that I'll be kicked out because of the trouble I was having. I can understand their reasoning, but shouldn't there be another solution? Maybe talking to the student to see why the GPA has dropped? Urgh, it just pisses me off, I suppose. I'm not one of those students who parties and ignores their classes and studies. I had problems, that I've since gotten control of. So here's hoping I won't be kicked out of Master's school just when I've started to like it there.
On another note, being Master's secretary has gotten routine. I was really worried about not remembering to do things for him, but logging in and sorting emails really isn't hard to do.
Things with his wife have fizzled out. I did tell him that I wouldn't contact her, but she hasn't reached out to me either. On one hand that kind of surprises me. Her facebook says she's pretty stressed and freaked out, so I sort of expected contact. But on the other hand, I'm not surprised because she never reached out to me in the first place. I was always the one that started and kept up any conversations we've had. So I suppose, it is what it is.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Things are looking up
Things between Master and I have started going better. Today we are supposed to have a date and I'm so very excited! It's the first actual "us" time we've had in a long time, so long as it happens soon. Staying at my grandmother's house to get Christmas sugar cookies done, a few gingerbread houses, and gingerbread cookies done too. It's so very nice to be home.
Turning into his secretary is going to be a challenge, but I think I'm up to it. So far it's been alright, sorting emails and organizing the different email accounts. It's weird, having something specific to do all day. There's a lot of accounts to check through the day though, which I hope I don't ever forget to do.
I have this feeling of obligation, though. He's given me the passwords and such for the accounts I'll need to do this job, but hasn't asked for anything in return. I can't understand how he's so comfortable with giving all of this to me. I understand trust, which is why I'd like to give him something that proves I would never use the things he's entrusted me with in horrible ways.
I can't help feeling like I owe him my own information, though (1) he has no use for it and (2) he might feel like I'm doing it out of obligation. And in a sense I would be, but I've heard that entrusting your Dom with all personal information is a sign of deep devotion and true submission.
So I'm very conflicted. I'm not sure what to do now, whether to surprise him with it, or talk to him about it. Or just let it go for now.
Turning into his secretary is going to be a challenge, but I think I'm up to it. So far it's been alright, sorting emails and organizing the different email accounts. It's weird, having something specific to do all day. There's a lot of accounts to check through the day though, which I hope I don't ever forget to do.
I have this feeling of obligation, though. He's given me the passwords and such for the accounts I'll need to do this job, but hasn't asked for anything in return. I can't understand how he's so comfortable with giving all of this to me. I understand trust, which is why I'd like to give him something that proves I would never use the things he's entrusted me with in horrible ways.
I can't help feeling like I owe him my own information, though (1) he has no use for it and (2) he might feel like I'm doing it out of obligation. And in a sense I would be, but I've heard that entrusting your Dom with all personal information is a sign of deep devotion and true submission.
So I'm very conflicted. I'm not sure what to do now, whether to surprise him with it, or talk to him about it. Or just let it go for now.
Friday, December 16, 2011
:)
We talked everything out today. I can't even begin to explain it. But I've decided to be patient and remind myself of what he's dealing with (mostly a wife who's decided to play princess and do nothing) and I'm taking over his much needed "secretary" position. It sounds kinda lame and crazy, but he says it will lessen the stress on him. So I'm going to be answering emails and managing messages. And possibly managing finances too, though I'm skeptical about that part. I'm horrible at math, and I'm not sure I can be an accountant to anyone, even myself! But he's promised to walk me through it and triple check me for a while.
So everything's been evened out for the time being. He's duly noted that I won't be pushed or ordered to befriend the wifey. I've just rid my life of the biggest drama I've dealt with (a cousin's gf) and she is taking that place. I don't need the stress. I feel he's only coddling her attention seeking, but I won't play along. That's one thing I will have no more part of.
So things are going well today. Now to finish packing, get some food, and get ready to go home.
Appartengo a Lupo <3
So everything's been evened out for the time being. He's duly noted that I won't be pushed or ordered to befriend the wifey. I've just rid my life of the biggest drama I've dealt with (a cousin's gf) and she is taking that place. I don't need the stress. I feel he's only coddling her attention seeking, but I won't play along. That's one thing I will have no more part of.
So things are going well today. Now to finish packing, get some food, and get ready to go home.
Appartengo a Lupo <3
:(
I feel like a convenience. There's a Buffy quote that fits my feelings nearly perfectly. Season 5, when Xander and Buffy are talking about Riley's ultimatum.
Buffy: What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?
Xander: Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here you—
Buffy: I don't even know who he is anymore! I mean, I thought he was... dependable.
Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?
Buffy: You know what I mean.
Xander: Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to, and take off when you didn't.
It's what I feel like the last few days. I don't feel submissive, or taken care of, of dominated... I really do feel like a burden, or a convenience. Like I'll be around when he has the time, and do my own thing when he doesn't. Be there for support when he needs it, fade into the shadows when I'm not needed.
Kinda put myself here though...
Buffy: What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?
Xander: Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here you—
Buffy: I don't even know who he is anymore! I mean, I thought he was... dependable.
Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?
Buffy: You know what I mean.
Xander: Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to, and take off when you didn't.
It's what I feel like the last few days. I don't feel submissive, or taken care of, of dominated... I really do feel like a burden, or a convenience. Like I'll be around when he has the time, and do my own thing when he doesn't. Be there for support when he needs it, fade into the shadows when I'm not needed.
Kinda put myself here though...
Thursday, December 15, 2011
:\
Is it completely selfish to want more of Master's time?
I've been trying to hold myself in check lately, especially with him taking more than one job, but lately it seems like if I don't say something to him first, I don't hear from him. Like Monday for example... I went about my day and did my own thing, doing anything I could to keep my hands off my phone. And its wasn't until I texted him at 8 that night that I actually heard from him, even though it wasn't actually "heard from him" so much as "cyber tied down" by him. And that was it. for the whole night. I got a message that said "*ties you down*".....
And lately he's just been so tired. On my end it sucks because I can't do anything about it. But what gets to me even more is that he has a wife who can do something about it. Who can support him and try to make life a little easier on him. But the only thing I hear from him that she does is leave messes for him to pick up after work.
Maybe this is just a bitch-fest on my part. Or maybe there's something here that we need to address. But I'm still not understanding them. I just don't get it, and I want to. I want to understand, but nobody seems willing to explain it to me. She completely ignored me the other day after putting words in my mouth while talking to him. And now he's all quite and always tired...
Something isn't right. :(
I feel like a possession. I can't actually do anything for him, with our relationship being OL and on the phone. And truly, lately I've found nothing fulfilling in cumming on schedule or doing my own thing all day long. Maybe I need a bit more micromanaging. Which is odd, because I always said I didn't want to be told what to do all day long, but right now maybe it's a contact thing. To know that I'm actually useful and fulfilling a need for him.
And right now, I feel pretty useless and neglected and alone...
I've been trying to hold myself in check lately, especially with him taking more than one job, but lately it seems like if I don't say something to him first, I don't hear from him. Like Monday for example... I went about my day and did my own thing, doing anything I could to keep my hands off my phone. And its wasn't until I texted him at 8 that night that I actually heard from him, even though it wasn't actually "heard from him" so much as "cyber tied down" by him. And that was it. for the whole night. I got a message that said "*ties you down*".....
And lately he's just been so tired. On my end it sucks because I can't do anything about it. But what gets to me even more is that he has a wife who can do something about it. Who can support him and try to make life a little easier on him. But the only thing I hear from him that she does is leave messes for him to pick up after work.
Maybe this is just a bitch-fest on my part. Or maybe there's something here that we need to address. But I'm still not understanding them. I just don't get it, and I want to. I want to understand, but nobody seems willing to explain it to me. She completely ignored me the other day after putting words in my mouth while talking to him. And now he's all quite and always tired...
Something isn't right. :(
I feel like a possession. I can't actually do anything for him, with our relationship being OL and on the phone. And truly, lately I've found nothing fulfilling in cumming on schedule or doing my own thing all day long. Maybe I need a bit more micromanaging. Which is odd, because I always said I didn't want to be told what to do all day long, but right now maybe it's a contact thing. To know that I'm actually useful and fulfilling a need for him.
And right now, I feel pretty useless and neglected and alone...
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Early New Year's Resolutions
I suppose I shouldn't titled them "Resolutions" so much as hopes. But here goes...
1. For both Master and I to become more financially secure. I need to find a job for the winter semester and then the summer months. Master is hoping to move to Michigan soon, so he will need to find jobs here as well, though he is much more stable now than when they first moved into their apartment. Which makes me relieved and happy.
2. I had hoped to finish my first novel by the end of the year, but it's not going to happen. When my exams are finished, I'll give it more effort, but it's definitely not going to be done by the end of the year. So for the coming year, my hope/resolution is to have it finished AND edited by next December. That way I can start sending out query letters and hopefully find a publisher.
3. I very much hope to gather some real life experience, more than a session or two. I'd like to find a group around school that meets more than once a month so I could find real life friends in the lifestyle. Master and I are making plans to meet, but I'd like to visit them long term through the summer. Maybe a week. Kind of like a trial run for the moving in thing. A week isn't long, but it would give me a feel for how life would change.
4. To pass every class I take. I know I've failed Bio this semester as well as American Lit, so the plan is to pass Winter semester with great grades, and extend that into next Fall as well. I want to be able to say that I put 200% effort into my course work, instead of the 70% or so I gave this semester due to lack of motivation (aka depression).
There may be more to come later, but those are the pressing ones, the most important.
Appartengo a Lupo. <3
1. For both Master and I to become more financially secure. I need to find a job for the winter semester and then the summer months. Master is hoping to move to Michigan soon, so he will need to find jobs here as well, though he is much more stable now than when they first moved into their apartment. Which makes me relieved and happy.
2. I had hoped to finish my first novel by the end of the year, but it's not going to happen. When my exams are finished, I'll give it more effort, but it's definitely not going to be done by the end of the year. So for the coming year, my hope/resolution is to have it finished AND edited by next December. That way I can start sending out query letters and hopefully find a publisher.
3. I very much hope to gather some real life experience, more than a session or two. I'd like to find a group around school that meets more than once a month so I could find real life friends in the lifestyle. Master and I are making plans to meet, but I'd like to visit them long term through the summer. Maybe a week. Kind of like a trial run for the moving in thing. A week isn't long, but it would give me a feel for how life would change.
4. To pass every class I take. I know I've failed Bio this semester as well as American Lit, so the plan is to pass Winter semester with great grades, and extend that into next Fall as well. I want to be able to say that I put 200% effort into my course work, instead of the 70% or so I gave this semester due to lack of motivation (aka depression).
There may be more to come later, but those are the pressing ones, the most important.
Appartengo a Lupo. <3
Sunday, December 11, 2011
So much for my happy day.
It isn’t looking like it’s going to end well. I’m not even sure what to think right now.
Master and I were so happy earlier, talking, teasing, being fun. We got to talking about me moving in, and my answer. Things felt like they were falling into place, because he said they are looking for places in Michigan, homes to move into. Life would be great, I could move in and help out while still doing my own thing. I would be close enough to my family that I could still visit as much as I could afford to.
And then I asked Candy why she was so eager for me to move in. She’s confused, just like I am now, because she said “He always thinks I’m eager when I ask about stuff repeatedly.” She said the only reason she kept asking was so she could figure out where his thoughts were and how life would change with me with them.
So now I’m so very confused, and the pizza is rolling in my stomach, and I can’t talk to him about it yet because he’s working. Though I think I might just leave them to talk it out when he gets out of work. I’m kinda tired of being in the middle like this.
*sigh*
I’m not sure what to think anymore. My skeptical side is coming out. The rational side that has been screaming at me for a while now, “Why did you think this was EVER going to work out?” And I’m not sure. Mostly because I want it to. I want to try this. I want to be with him, with them. I want to do this for him and make him happy… but in the meantime, I have to deal with his wife and the miscommunications between them.
So we’ll see later how this turns out. See if it can be compromised on, or if that is another dream we both can’t have.
<3
Master and I were so happy earlier, talking, teasing, being fun. We got to talking about me moving in, and my answer. Things felt like they were falling into place, because he said they are looking for places in Michigan, homes to move into. Life would be great, I could move in and help out while still doing my own thing. I would be close enough to my family that I could still visit as much as I could afford to.
And then I asked Candy why she was so eager for me to move in. She’s confused, just like I am now, because she said “He always thinks I’m eager when I ask about stuff repeatedly.” She said the only reason she kept asking was so she could figure out where his thoughts were and how life would change with me with them.
So now I’m so very confused, and the pizza is rolling in my stomach, and I can’t talk to him about it yet because he’s working. Though I think I might just leave them to talk it out when he gets out of work. I’m kinda tired of being in the middle like this.
*sigh*
I’m not sure what to think anymore. My skeptical side is coming out. The rational side that has been screaming at me for a while now, “Why did you think this was EVER going to work out?” And I’m not sure. Mostly because I want it to. I want to try this. I want to be with him, with them. I want to do this for him and make him happy… but in the meantime, I have to deal with his wife and the miscommunications between them.
So we’ll see later how this turns out. See if it can be compromised on, or if that is another dream we both can’t have.
<3
Friday, December 9, 2011
A dilemma
I hate them. I'm one of those people who have to (usually) analyze the problem from every-which-way to decide which is the best decision... and then usually I'll analyze again, just to be sure.
This time the problem is location. Master's wife, Candy, has been telling him for weeks that she wants me to move in with them. Yes, let's count the ways that this could go wrong. I know there are many. But oddly... I actually want to. Enough that I asked her what colleges are around there.
Don't get me wrong, I do like it here at GV, but there are downsides. The number one of which is that I don't have friends here, and everyone I want to be around are at least 2 hours away. Master is around 4 and in a different state. GV is a great school and a great experience... and I think it's the school for me.
As much as I would love to move in with them and be there through it all, I wonder if it would be a good idea to transfer schools like this. Up-end my life AGAIN, only this time I don't have parents to bail me out (which, this semester they have, due to my lack of planning). not only would it put me even farther away from my family, but he's told me they're going to look at places in Michigan. Better places to raise a family and start a career. I'm just thinking that things are going to go just right for us, that when I move in with him, they'll find a place here, and we'll all be uprooted...
So I guess I've found my answer. I'll move in when they find a place to live here. Thank you, blank box, for helping me figure out my issues.
Appartengo a Lupo. <3
This time the problem is location. Master's wife, Candy, has been telling him for weeks that she wants me to move in with them. Yes, let's count the ways that this could go wrong. I know there are many. But oddly... I actually want to. Enough that I asked her what colleges are around there.
Don't get me wrong, I do like it here at GV, but there are downsides. The number one of which is that I don't have friends here, and everyone I want to be around are at least 2 hours away. Master is around 4 and in a different state. GV is a great school and a great experience... and I think it's the school for me.
As much as I would love to move in with them and be there through it all, I wonder if it would be a good idea to transfer schools like this. Up-end my life AGAIN, only this time I don't have parents to bail me out (which, this semester they have, due to my lack of planning). not only would it put me even farther away from my family, but he's told me they're going to look at places in Michigan. Better places to raise a family and start a career. I'm just thinking that things are going to go just right for us, that when I move in with him, they'll find a place here, and we'll all be uprooted...
So I guess I've found my answer. I'll move in when they find a place to live here. Thank you, blank box, for helping me figure out my issues.
Appartengo a Lupo. <3
Thursday, December 8, 2011
:)
I never know what to title my entries. So maybe I'll just start numbering them... Something to think on.
Master got a new phone and number the other day, and it's making life hell. I have a lingering suspicion that it's one of those really not made for texting... either that or he hasn't figured out how to turn off the word-fill-in thingy. So far the only thing I've been able to decipher from his messages is that he's missed me *grins* and "yesterday" actually means "yes"... Here's hoping he figures things out soon, because my offball text translating skills just don't cut it anymore.
I haven't talked to his wife again lately. I just get the impression she doesn't want to be good friends. Afterall, good friends exchange messages and phone calls occasionally right? I'm always the first to reach out with her, and I'm the one that has to put in waayyyy too much effort to keep a conversation going. And even though she's "so thankful that I'm there for her", I never really know what's going on unless Master tells me. So the ball is in her court. She has my number, my Facebook, my email. If she cares to talk to me, she has all kinds of ways to get through.
Things are well at school... as good as they're going to get I suppose. Actual classes are over today, for the rest of the semester, so I have all weekend to study and make my note card for the math exam. And do the extra credit for math too, some review problems, which is probably the best use of my time.
But right now, I'm thinking I'll take the day and relax, play a few games, work on Master's blanket.
Apparetengo a Lupo.
Master got a new phone and number the other day, and it's making life hell. I have a lingering suspicion that it's one of those really not made for texting... either that or he hasn't figured out how to turn off the word-fill-in thingy. So far the only thing I've been able to decipher from his messages is that he's missed me *grins* and "yesterday" actually means "yes"... Here's hoping he figures things out soon, because my offball text translating skills just don't cut it anymore.
I haven't talked to his wife again lately. I just get the impression she doesn't want to be good friends. Afterall, good friends exchange messages and phone calls occasionally right? I'm always the first to reach out with her, and I'm the one that has to put in waayyyy too much effort to keep a conversation going. And even though she's "so thankful that I'm there for her", I never really know what's going on unless Master tells me. So the ball is in her court. She has my number, my Facebook, my email. If she cares to talk to me, she has all kinds of ways to get through.
Things are well at school... as good as they're going to get I suppose. Actual classes are over today, for the rest of the semester, so I have all weekend to study and make my note card for the math exam. And do the extra credit for math too, some review problems, which is probably the best use of my time.
But right now, I'm thinking I'll take the day and relax, play a few games, work on Master's blanket.
Apparetengo a Lupo.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
I hate this feeling...
... of not knowing what to do. Master's wife confided in me today that she feels very alone and as though he is avoiding her, doesn't want to be around her. But she hasn't been able to fix it, and says I'm not allowed to mention it to him. He'll only get upset with her for bringing me into it.
But what should I do about it? I mean, if she's feeling neglected and unwanted... what does that say about me? He's devoting all kinds of time to me, I know. So if he's avoiding her and spending time with me... why are they married? I understand love about as much as it is possible to understand it. I may be a virgin, but I'm not stupid or naive or blind.
But sometimes I feel blind. I can't see their love. She tells me those things, and he tells me how aggravating she is sometimes. And I never hear about them being happy. Or him telling me goodnight early because they're going to have a couple's night. Once since they've been married (for about 3.5 months or so) he's talked about sex with her, and that was just the other night. And he only brought it up to tease me, saying soon I'll be watching.
I don't understand their love, even though he's tried to explain it to me multiple times. It doesn't make sense to me. How can two people be together, yet not spend time alone, or work on their relationship, or even demonstrate their love...
I just don't understand. And now I'm in the middle again, wanting to help, feeling helpless (in a bad way) and as though I'm causing some of it (yet again)... And not being able to do shit about it.
Ugh.
But what should I do about it? I mean, if she's feeling neglected and unwanted... what does that say about me? He's devoting all kinds of time to me, I know. So if he's avoiding her and spending time with me... why are they married? I understand love about as much as it is possible to understand it. I may be a virgin, but I'm not stupid or naive or blind.
But sometimes I feel blind. I can't see their love. She tells me those things, and he tells me how aggravating she is sometimes. And I never hear about them being happy. Or him telling me goodnight early because they're going to have a couple's night. Once since they've been married (for about 3.5 months or so) he's talked about sex with her, and that was just the other night. And he only brought it up to tease me, saying soon I'll be watching.
I don't understand their love, even though he's tried to explain it to me multiple times. It doesn't make sense to me. How can two people be together, yet not spend time alone, or work on their relationship, or even demonstrate their love...
I just don't understand. And now I'm in the middle again, wanting to help, feeling helpless (in a bad way) and as though I'm causing some of it (yet again)... And not being able to do shit about it.
Ugh.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
OMG...
So while I'm still freaking out, I'll write all this down and update again after I've talked to Master more in depth...
He "let the cat out of the bag" today, while I was driving home from my grocery shopping trip. He has a collar for me...
Normally, this would be an amazing experience, but with our previous stipulations to the relationship, I'm not quite to the giddy phase yet.
You see, every relationship is different. Obviously. Master and I... well we've always had this "understanding" or "stipulation" in ours (since, as I've said before, he is not my forever) that if I find the One for me, I am free to leave. Of course, I would never just leave his life. We are best friends at the core, so we would remain friends of course. And I would never give everything I am to another without his full approval. I trust his judgment, and his opinion means the world to me.
So now that he's introduced the spoiler of a collar, I'm a bit freaked out. Despite the reassurance of a good friend, I still feel bitchy and cold when I tell myself that I need to make sure these "stipulations" still apply. It makes me feel selfish, as if I'm taking the shine off of what should be a beautiful thing, because I feel the need to have an "escape clause" of sorts.
On one hand, his talk of me graduating college and then moving in with him and his wife has me excited. I've been wishing to be there physically for them, cooking, cleaning, laundry, company, sex. Whatever else too. On the other hand, I still have at least 4 years to go... That's a long time. Everything could change in that time. So if by taking his collar I'm pledging myself to him until/unless he decides otherwise... I'm not sure I can do it. And thinking about possibly telling him no has my stomach churning, chest tightening, and nausea kicking in...
So there's my thoughts so far. We'll sit down to talk after he gets home from work.
He "let the cat out of the bag" today, while I was driving home from my grocery shopping trip. He has a collar for me...
Normally, this would be an amazing experience, but with our previous stipulations to the relationship, I'm not quite to the giddy phase yet.
You see, every relationship is different. Obviously. Master and I... well we've always had this "understanding" or "stipulation" in ours (since, as I've said before, he is not my forever) that if I find the One for me, I am free to leave. Of course, I would never just leave his life. We are best friends at the core, so we would remain friends of course. And I would never give everything I am to another without his full approval. I trust his judgment, and his opinion means the world to me.
So now that he's introduced the spoiler of a collar, I'm a bit freaked out. Despite the reassurance of a good friend, I still feel bitchy and cold when I tell myself that I need to make sure these "stipulations" still apply. It makes me feel selfish, as if I'm taking the shine off of what should be a beautiful thing, because I feel the need to have an "escape clause" of sorts.
On one hand, his talk of me graduating college and then moving in with him and his wife has me excited. I've been wishing to be there physically for them, cooking, cleaning, laundry, company, sex. Whatever else too. On the other hand, I still have at least 4 years to go... That's a long time. Everything could change in that time. So if by taking his collar I'm pledging myself to him until/unless he decides otherwise... I'm not sure I can do it. And thinking about possibly telling him no has my stomach churning, chest tightening, and nausea kicking in...
So there's my thoughts so far. We'll sit down to talk after he gets home from work.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Long Time No Write
Wow, it's been longer than I remember. So much has happened since my last post, and I hope not to get too emotional when writing about it all. Let's see...
Master has since then picked up a few jobs, so he's working 3 jobs part time now. After picking them up, he warned me that things were going to get even harder with his RL being so crazy. We cooled things down, and they're still cool. I follow the rules, but he doesn't check up on me or text me through out the day now. Contact is a bit spotty, though I'm growing closer to his wife. I feel good about that too. She needs to know I'm not trying to replace her, which I'm not. Master and I will never get married, or have kids, and it's possible we'll never live together. And now those thoughts don't fill me with longing or dread. I've come to terms with it. Our love isn't an "in love" or a marriage kind of love. It's different than those, but that never means that I mean any less to him than his wife. It hurts us both when things start going downhills, or the other is alone and hurting. Our love is different, not less important.
Don't let this summary fool you. We split for a few days to adjust our outlooks and think about how to handle things... and during those days I was a complete wreck. No eating, always sleeping, no homework or going to class. It was a nightmare. And I now know that the depression settled in HARD during that time.
On another hand, I still wonder if it's unhealthy to depend so heavily upon another person for happiness and feeling useful to the world. Sometimes I think that the idea of it being unhealthy is very vanilla, after all a submissive's job is to ensure her Master's happiness and if he isn't happy, she isn't either. To contrast that, I sometimes think being happy alone might be a "single status" thing, being without a partner. I concentrated on myself when I didn't have him around, and though I wasn't too good at it, I only had to worry about myself. Now I have to worry about him and me, and his mood affects mine. I'm not sure what I think of this dilemma yet.
When I started school, I went on antidepressants. I'm open about it and have no problem telling anyone that I take them. Earlier this week, I got a prescription for a stronger one, as the first just wasn't doing the job well enough. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I'm truly happy. The sun is shining outside, I walked to classes with a smile on my face, and agreed last night to give my all to being Master's slave instead of his submissive. I'm not saying I'm constantly happy or anything, but I'm now seeing the glass as both half full and half empty, instead of mostly empty. So if you have depression issues, or suspect you do, there is no shame in talking to your doctor. These medicines work. I am proof.
Getting closer to his wife is going well. We're growing as people and I hope that she's not faking interest in being friends. I've been warned multiple times that she could be looking at the situation as a "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" type deal. But she's not that kind of person, that statement coming from both Master's description of her and my experience. We don't always see eye to eye, but we don't fight over it, which I like. And she's currently helping me surprise him with an After-Christmas visit, although Master is wanting me to come at the same time and going to spoil the surprise.
Oh well. Things will work out.
If I remember anything else, I'll put it in the next post. To sum up, I'm happy again. It's nice to not hate my life anymore, even if I don't understand why I did in the first place.
Appartengo a Lupo. <3
Master has since then picked up a few jobs, so he's working 3 jobs part time now. After picking them up, he warned me that things were going to get even harder with his RL being so crazy. We cooled things down, and they're still cool. I follow the rules, but he doesn't check up on me or text me through out the day now. Contact is a bit spotty, though I'm growing closer to his wife. I feel good about that too. She needs to know I'm not trying to replace her, which I'm not. Master and I will never get married, or have kids, and it's possible we'll never live together. And now those thoughts don't fill me with longing or dread. I've come to terms with it. Our love isn't an "in love" or a marriage kind of love. It's different than those, but that never means that I mean any less to him than his wife. It hurts us both when things start going downhills, or the other is alone and hurting. Our love is different, not less important.
Don't let this summary fool you. We split for a few days to adjust our outlooks and think about how to handle things... and during those days I was a complete wreck. No eating, always sleeping, no homework or going to class. It was a nightmare. And I now know that the depression settled in HARD during that time.
On another hand, I still wonder if it's unhealthy to depend so heavily upon another person for happiness and feeling useful to the world. Sometimes I think that the idea of it being unhealthy is very vanilla, after all a submissive's job is to ensure her Master's happiness and if he isn't happy, she isn't either. To contrast that, I sometimes think being happy alone might be a "single status" thing, being without a partner. I concentrated on myself when I didn't have him around, and though I wasn't too good at it, I only had to worry about myself. Now I have to worry about him and me, and his mood affects mine. I'm not sure what I think of this dilemma yet.
When I started school, I went on antidepressants. I'm open about it and have no problem telling anyone that I take them. Earlier this week, I got a prescription for a stronger one, as the first just wasn't doing the job well enough. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I'm truly happy. The sun is shining outside, I walked to classes with a smile on my face, and agreed last night to give my all to being Master's slave instead of his submissive. I'm not saying I'm constantly happy or anything, but I'm now seeing the glass as both half full and half empty, instead of mostly empty. So if you have depression issues, or suspect you do, there is no shame in talking to your doctor. These medicines work. I am proof.
Getting closer to his wife is going well. We're growing as people and I hope that she's not faking interest in being friends. I've been warned multiple times that she could be looking at the situation as a "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" type deal. But she's not that kind of person, that statement coming from both Master's description of her and my experience. We don't always see eye to eye, but we don't fight over it, which I like. And she's currently helping me surprise him with an After-Christmas visit, although Master is wanting me to come at the same time and going to spoil the surprise.
Oh well. Things will work out.
If I remember anything else, I'll put it in the next post. To sum up, I'm happy again. It's nice to not hate my life anymore, even if I don't understand why I did in the first place.
Appartengo a Lupo. <3
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A Depressing and Dreary Day
When I wake up to a morning that's rainy, dark, and dreary, there's a switch that flips in my head. Like today.
I woke up to my alarm at 7:30, sat up to turn it off, and my head exploded in pain. Terrific. That plus the fact that I could find absolutely no motivation to go to an early class had me finding Master's weather online and then going back to sleep.
Days like this drive me to think in depth sometimes. And I've come to a conclusion. There is a startling difference between being happy and being happy. One is a day to day thing, the other looking long-term at life in general.
Day to day, it always varies. Mostly, it depends on my contact with Master, his day, his mood, his stress leve. I think I take on his tone (happy, stressed, etc.) because I'm not so good at dealing with my own. See, there's technically nothing horrid about my life. I have an amazing and caring (secret) boyfriend (of sorts), food in the fridge, a room to myself in the dorms, and a great school, not to mention a loving, supportive family.
But obviously there's something that triggers days like this. On one level I know I should take the time to figure it out, that I shouldn't depend on Master for my mood, my happiness. But I wonder if that is a vanilla thing, the assumption that it's unhealthy to depend on another for happiness. His happiness makes me happy, his upset makes me upset. And when he's stressed and tired, but happy to hear from me, in return I get a bit stressed wanting to make it better even though I can't, yet am happy to hear from him as well.
Just more ramblings. But then, you tune in to read them.
Appartengo a Lupo.
I woke up to my alarm at 7:30, sat up to turn it off, and my head exploded in pain. Terrific. That plus the fact that I could find absolutely no motivation to go to an early class had me finding Master's weather online and then going back to sleep.
Days like this drive me to think in depth sometimes. And I've come to a conclusion. There is a startling difference between being happy and being happy. One is a day to day thing, the other looking long-term at life in general.
Day to day, it always varies. Mostly, it depends on my contact with Master, his day, his mood, his stress leve. I think I take on his tone (happy, stressed, etc.) because I'm not so good at dealing with my own. See, there's technically nothing horrid about my life. I have an amazing and caring (secret) boyfriend (of sorts), food in the fridge, a room to myself in the dorms, and a great school, not to mention a loving, supportive family.
But obviously there's something that triggers days like this. On one level I know I should take the time to figure it out, that I shouldn't depend on Master for my mood, my happiness. But I wonder if that is a vanilla thing, the assumption that it's unhealthy to depend on another for happiness. His happiness makes me happy, his upset makes me upset. And when he's stressed and tired, but happy to hear from me, in return I get a bit stressed wanting to make it better even though I can't, yet am happy to hear from him as well.
Just more ramblings. But then, you tune in to read them.
Appartengo a Lupo.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Rambles
Have you ever just woken up one morning and known that it was going to turn into a bad day? Even if the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day outside?
Welcome to my life. Lately it happens more often than not. Today was all about me reminding myself that I'm not the centerpoint of this relationship. That he has bigger things to take care of, to deal with. "You are to be always aware of Master's constant stresses."
I try to be a stress-free part of his life. But I know I'm not. There's no way I can be, with my semi-constant neediness and occasional playful attitude. both of which usually kick in at the very least convenient time possible.
It made me think tonight. How is it that we, as submissives, are supposed to support our Dom/me, make their lives less stressful, and do as much as we can for them... and yet turn around and (either sometimes or many times) cause them stress with our worries and "drama" and self-doubts? And how the hell does something like that get fixed?
Welcome to my life. Lately it happens more often than not. Today was all about me reminding myself that I'm not the centerpoint of this relationship. That he has bigger things to take care of, to deal with. "You are to be always aware of Master's constant stresses."
I try to be a stress-free part of his life. But I know I'm not. There's no way I can be, with my semi-constant neediness and occasional playful attitude. both of which usually kick in at the very least convenient time possible.
It made me think tonight. How is it that we, as submissives, are supposed to support our Dom/me, make their lives less stressful, and do as much as we can for them... and yet turn around and (either sometimes or many times) cause them stress with our worries and "drama" and self-doubts? And how the hell does something like that get fixed?
Patience and Rambling Thoughts
Something I believe I need to revisit and relearn. Just a few weeks ago, I though I had a high patience level. Maybe I'm just pmsing, but this is the second time in a week that I've been impatient and selfish with Master. I don't like that he's so busy. It makes him so tired, and that makes him go to bed early, which subtracts time from me. Ergo, selfish. But that's my fault. After all, isn't it the submissive's job to be there for her Master, to comfort and be what he needs when he needs it? And get her needs fulfilled in return? I've been going about it backwards, I think, adding another check under the Selfish column.
Sure, there has to be an underlying cause... but I couldn't tell you what it is. I'm not really sure, though I know I'm always waiting for bad news. With my short but painful history with guys, I have a hard time believing he wants to keep me, even 8 months later. It's a work in progress thing. I've definitely come a long way, but still have a ways to go. Unfortunately, history isn't just something you can erase and pretend never happened... Well, the pretending can happen, but the erasing of memories never really works right. Just ask Willow. One spell gone awry and no one even knows their name anymore. (That's a Buffy reference, if you didn't know.) Memories and experiences (even the bad ones) are what make us who we are. If we take them away, we might as well regress in life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the experiences of every day before now.
So in a rambling conclusion, impatience and selfishness are very bad. They rarely get you what you want, and you don't deserve to get what you want if you act out. Supporting the Dom/me is the submissive's position, that's what we signed up for. Patience gets us what we need and want, combined with support.
Appartengo a Lupo :)
Sure, there has to be an underlying cause... but I couldn't tell you what it is. I'm not really sure, though I know I'm always waiting for bad news. With my short but painful history with guys, I have a hard time believing he wants to keep me, even 8 months later. It's a work in progress thing. I've definitely come a long way, but still have a ways to go. Unfortunately, history isn't just something you can erase and pretend never happened... Well, the pretending can happen, but the erasing of memories never really works right. Just ask Willow. One spell gone awry and no one even knows their name anymore. (That's a Buffy reference, if you didn't know.) Memories and experiences (even the bad ones) are what make us who we are. If we take them away, we might as well regress in life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the experiences of every day before now.
So in a rambling conclusion, impatience and selfishness are very bad. They rarely get you what you want, and you don't deserve to get what you want if you act out. Supporting the Dom/me is the submissive's position, that's what we signed up for. Patience gets us what we need and want, combined with support.
Appartengo a Lupo :)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Planning a Visit
Life got hectic for a while. It does that sometimes, unfortunately. So now I'm finally connected back the 'net and able to write. My muse has even made an extended visit, so I've gotten some novel-writing done.
Things with Master and his wife have improved tremendously. She and I are talking again, laughing like friends. It's nice, even though we're not the best of friends. We talked about Christmas presents and what I'm going to give him. I'd like to be able to actually hand it to him, but it might not happen that way.
He received my birthday card and presents earlier today. I got the most indescribably sweet text too. "*pepper(with kisses) and whispers* you by far have pleased me to no end. I have never felt the way I feel for you with any other submissive. you have shown your true devotion to me. And for that I am thankful." I cried. I'll happily admit it. That was just the last straw and I got all teary, though the rest had been because of a bad day.
We are now planning a weekend visit. I'm so very excited, and was speechless when they suggested it. I didn't know life was that stable, but apparently it is. It's nice to hear that they're settling into their apartment so nicely. *smiles* Master tells me he has a comfy corner set up, just for me. I can't wait to curl up in it. And a leash! He actually bought a leash, but won't even tell me what it looks like, and won't let her tell me either.
So we'll figure things out soon, I hope. I'm antsy with the thought of actually going now, whereas two months ago I was terrified of the idea of going. Why, I'm not quite sure. maybe it was because the actual visit makes everything real, makes it solid. Makes it true, reality. I don't think I was truly prepared for such a reality then.
I think I am now.
Buona notte.
Things with Master and his wife have improved tremendously. She and I are talking again, laughing like friends. It's nice, even though we're not the best of friends. We talked about Christmas presents and what I'm going to give him. I'd like to be able to actually hand it to him, but it might not happen that way.
He received my birthday card and presents earlier today. I got the most indescribably sweet text too. "*pepper(with kisses) and whispers* you by far have pleased me to no end. I have never felt the way I feel for you with any other submissive. you have shown your true devotion to me. And for that I am thankful." I cried. I'll happily admit it. That was just the last straw and I got all teary, though the rest had been because of a bad day.
We are now planning a weekend visit. I'm so very excited, and was speechless when they suggested it. I didn't know life was that stable, but apparently it is. It's nice to hear that they're settling into their apartment so nicely. *smiles* Master tells me he has a comfy corner set up, just for me. I can't wait to curl up in it. And a leash! He actually bought a leash, but won't even tell me what it looks like, and won't let her tell me either.
So we'll figure things out soon, I hope. I'm antsy with the thought of actually going now, whereas two months ago I was terrified of the idea of going. Why, I'm not quite sure. maybe it was because the actual visit makes everything real, makes it solid. Makes it true, reality. I don't think I was truly prepared for such a reality then.
I think I am now.
Buona notte.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Confession
Whoever it was that decided confession is good for the soul is right. Tonight, when he brought things up, I finally told Master that I have only been following his instructions when I remember to.
Ashamed and upset with myself? Yes, definitely. I will be putting more effort into things from now on.
The only thing I haven't yet figured out is how to bring up the topic of not doing something properly. I wasn't lying or omission, because lately he hasn't asked about that specific part. We both mostly forgot about it, with all the real life drama that's been going on. But I know that I should have done better, and I will now.
Ashamed and upset with myself? Yes, definitely. I will be putting more effort into things from now on.
The only thing I haven't yet figured out is how to bring up the topic of not doing something properly. I wasn't lying or omission, because lately he hasn't asked about that specific part. We both mostly forgot about it, with all the real life drama that's been going on. But I know that I should have done better, and I will now.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Just Some Thoughts
This weekend has been pretty hard on me. I've been slowly going crazy since I got my first exam scores back. Failed 2 out of 3... yeah, not so good. So to keep myself sane, I've been rearranging my study schedule, spending a lot of my free time reading and studying the notes for Biology.
But tonight a thought has been bugging me. What if we never get back to how things were? Master says things are always changing, and I suppose he's right. But change isn't always good. And if we're always changing, then how will things ever be stable again? The definition of stable is unmoving and unchanging. So does that mean no relationship is truly ever stable?
I don't always feel stable anymore, unfortunately. And I hate to admit it. I hate admitting that I'm not rock steady and always ready for life, but I rarely truly ready. Take this new change to our relationship. I knew something was going to have to change, but still it was such a shock that I couldn't eat much of anything for 3 days straight. It wasn't healthy, but I couldn't deal. And now that I am dealing with it, I'm wondering what's going to happen next.
But probably I shouldn't be writing anything while medicated on Valium and tired. Probably I should turn my focus over to Master and talk to him for a while before bed.
So buona notte.
But tonight a thought has been bugging me. What if we never get back to how things were? Master says things are always changing, and I suppose he's right. But change isn't always good. And if we're always changing, then how will things ever be stable again? The definition of stable is unmoving and unchanging. So does that mean no relationship is truly ever stable?
I don't always feel stable anymore, unfortunately. And I hate to admit it. I hate admitting that I'm not rock steady and always ready for life, but I rarely truly ready. Take this new change to our relationship. I knew something was going to have to change, but still it was such a shock that I couldn't eat much of anything for 3 days straight. It wasn't healthy, but I couldn't deal. And now that I am dealing with it, I'm wondering what's going to happen next.
But probably I shouldn't be writing anything while medicated on Valium and tired. Probably I should turn my focus over to Master and talk to him for a while before bed.
So buona notte.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
The Nerve of Some People
I wrote a post on Fetlife the day before yesterday before bed. I expressed the situation between Master and I, about how his time was limited now and we both had to rearrange our priorities. We don’t like it. We don’t want it to happen. But we have to do it. It’s the best solution for everyone involved.
So I wrote a post looking for suggestions about what to do so I didn’t miss him so much. He’d surprised me earlier that day by coming online via Yahoo and chatting with me for a while, so I asked them what they would do to lessen the pain I felt when he had to leave again. I was just looking for a little sisterhood, some relation with other people, thinking maybe by sharing experiences, I’d find a few more submissive female friends.
The replies to my post blew my mind, and I‘m still reeling 24 hours later. Other female “submissives” told me I needed to get a life, to find other things to occupy my time. To leave the one I call Master, because he couldn’t give me the attention I needed. Basically, most of the 17 responses told me to move on and find someone else who could give me everything…
Isn’t a relationship about compromise? Giving and taking, in all aspects? It’s a cowards way out if you can’t last through the hard times. If your first thought when things get rough is to get out and give up, you’re not in this for the long haul. Running at the first sign of trouble tells me that you’re a fake and are only playing at something that the rest of us take seriously and need to complete our lives.
Do people have nothing else to do with their time, that they have to pretend online to be something and/or someone they’re not? How pathetic is that? I mean, if they’re only starting out and finding out about themselves, then they wouldn’t be assuming so much or acting so knowledgeable. Right? So people telling me that I need to move onto someone else and give up and walk away from everything I could be and could have with him, and could GIVE to him… It makes me sick.
And with all this stress hitting at once, I’m sick enough and already not eating, so I don’t need the drama.
So I wrote a post looking for suggestions about what to do so I didn’t miss him so much. He’d surprised me earlier that day by coming online via Yahoo and chatting with me for a while, so I asked them what they would do to lessen the pain I felt when he had to leave again. I was just looking for a little sisterhood, some relation with other people, thinking maybe by sharing experiences, I’d find a few more submissive female friends.
The replies to my post blew my mind, and I‘m still reeling 24 hours later. Other female “submissives” told me I needed to get a life, to find other things to occupy my time. To leave the one I call Master, because he couldn’t give me the attention I needed. Basically, most of the 17 responses told me to move on and find someone else who could give me everything…
Isn’t a relationship about compromise? Giving and taking, in all aspects? It’s a cowards way out if you can’t last through the hard times. If your first thought when things get rough is to get out and give up, you’re not in this for the long haul. Running at the first sign of trouble tells me that you’re a fake and are only playing at something that the rest of us take seriously and need to complete our lives.
Do people have nothing else to do with their time, that they have to pretend online to be something and/or someone they’re not? How pathetic is that? I mean, if they’re only starting out and finding out about themselves, then they wouldn’t be assuming so much or acting so knowledgeable. Right? So people telling me that I need to move onto someone else and give up and walk away from everything I could be and could have with him, and could GIVE to him… It makes me sick.
And with all this stress hitting at once, I’m sick enough and already not eating, so I don’t need the drama.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 2
Today has been one of those days, hovering between good and bad. I woke up bitchy. Who wants to get up before the sun to be at a Plant Biology lecture at 8:30am? Sure as hell, not this one. Then back to the dorm for a nap. Italian at 1 (today was boring as hell). Then my day was done.
Well. The school day. Unfortunately, being done that early gives me all kinds of time to sit and think. And today? not a good thinking day.
Do you ever go a full day without talking to your Master? I'm talking a full 24 complete hours without a text, call, instant message, or skype date. Mine hasn't said a word to me in 32 hours. A very busy day for him I suppose. It makes me miss him terribly. The day is lonely, with no friends on campus.
Well. The school day. Unfortunately, being done that early gives me all kinds of time to sit and think. And today? not a good thinking day.
Do you ever go a full day without talking to your Master? I'm talking a full 24 complete hours without a text, call, instant message, or skype date. Mine hasn't said a word to me in 32 hours. A very busy day for him I suppose. It makes me miss him terribly. The day is lonely, with no friends on campus.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Day 1
Just recently Master has decided he needs to rearrange his priorities. Life is getting in the way of us and he has to transfer some of his time elsewhere. While it devastated me for the first day, so much so that I didn't eat a thing and skipped my two classes to lay in bed all day, I'm much more rational now.
Sometimes things have to be rearranged in order to be healthy for everyone involved. Poly is different than anything I've ever experienced before, not that I've had actual vanilla relationships before. But I know how they work. Two people, managing their outside time and their relationship time. Well poly is no different in that way, just that there are two women in his life, not just one. His wife is first priority, her happiness and security. His second (I think) is his job, which should be soon turning into two jobs. Plus school, hopefully. I'd love to see him be the first in his family to get a college degree. *smiles*
Contrary to the thoughts I've heard on the subject, I'm quite ok with my situation. So many have told me that he is not being a "real Master", or that he "does not deserve" me. They're wrong. I know the details, more than I probably wanted to know. And I support his decision. He's doing what he needs to do for the good of all three of us, not just him and his wife. He has included me in his decision-making and the final decision. Granted, I'm not too happy he wants to find someone to watch over me while he's busy, but that's his decision. If it gives him greater peace of mind while he's running around and dealing with the stresses of life, I'll gladly have a handful of people watch over me.
I was told tonight that he wants someone to watch over me because he's scared to lose me. *smiles* If that's true, I welcome the watchers. I can deal with them, if that's what it takes for him not to worry about me. Afterall, this is a great chance to change my bad habits. Instead of waiting around to hear from him, I'll know when I should hear from him. So that way I'll concentrate (theoretically) more on my struggling Bio and Math grades, and study Italian... oh and possibly work on my American Lit paper drafts. Though the first ones are more pressing.
Ciao! Buona notte! (Good night) :)
Sometimes things have to be rearranged in order to be healthy for everyone involved. Poly is different than anything I've ever experienced before, not that I've had actual vanilla relationships before. But I know how they work. Two people, managing their outside time and their relationship time. Well poly is no different in that way, just that there are two women in his life, not just one. His wife is first priority, her happiness and security. His second (I think) is his job, which should be soon turning into two jobs. Plus school, hopefully. I'd love to see him be the first in his family to get a college degree. *smiles*
Contrary to the thoughts I've heard on the subject, I'm quite ok with my situation. So many have told me that he is not being a "real Master", or that he "does not deserve" me. They're wrong. I know the details, more than I probably wanted to know. And I support his decision. He's doing what he needs to do for the good of all three of us, not just him and his wife. He has included me in his decision-making and the final decision. Granted, I'm not too happy he wants to find someone to watch over me while he's busy, but that's his decision. If it gives him greater peace of mind while he's running around and dealing with the stresses of life, I'll gladly have a handful of people watch over me.
I was told tonight that he wants someone to watch over me because he's scared to lose me. *smiles* If that's true, I welcome the watchers. I can deal with them, if that's what it takes for him not to worry about me. Afterall, this is a great chance to change my bad habits. Instead of waiting around to hear from him, I'll know when I should hear from him. So that way I'll concentrate (theoretically) more on my struggling Bio and Math grades, and study Italian... oh and possibly work on my American Lit paper drafts. Though the first ones are more pressing.
Ciao! Buona notte! (Good night) :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Selfish Sub?
Today's been one of those "off" days. I told Master I'd take my camera outside and shoot some landscapes, something we both like to do. Since I'm at a college he went to, it would make him happy if I were to send him a few pictures.
But I just don't have the motivation. And that makes me doubt my submission some days. What kind of submissive wants his attention focused on her through the day? Especially when we're poly and he's married! I'm not feeling neglected, I don't think. Just needy today. And it always turns out that my needy days are the days when Master is most busy.
The other day I was playing a game on Facebook (yes, I'm very guilty of those) during a break from homework and a chat box pops up. He's pleasantly surprised me with his lunch break. 40 whole minutes of him, all to myself. Except that, while it was great to have that time, I was about to log off and do more homework. My motivation to study had been quite high that day. So today, when my motivation is extremely low, I don't even get a good morning or any quality time at all. He's killing spiders in his new apartment with his new wife.
So here I am, sitting around trying to write a story in my pajamas, figuring I'll just eat cereal for supper. Wondering what kind of submissive I can be when I'd rather he focus on me instead me focus on him. I hope I'm not the only one to get this kind of attitude. If so, maybe I'm not a submissive at all? Maybe I was just looking for somewhere to be wanted, someone to show me some kind of attention.
But I just don't have the motivation. And that makes me doubt my submission some days. What kind of submissive wants his attention focused on her through the day? Especially when we're poly and he's married! I'm not feeling neglected, I don't think. Just needy today. And it always turns out that my needy days are the days when Master is most busy.
The other day I was playing a game on Facebook (yes, I'm very guilty of those) during a break from homework and a chat box pops up. He's pleasantly surprised me with his lunch break. 40 whole minutes of him, all to myself. Except that, while it was great to have that time, I was about to log off and do more homework. My motivation to study had been quite high that day. So today, when my motivation is extremely low, I don't even get a good morning or any quality time at all. He's killing spiders in his new apartment with his new wife.
So here I am, sitting around trying to write a story in my pajamas, figuring I'll just eat cereal for supper. Wondering what kind of submissive I can be when I'd rather he focus on me instead me focus on him. I hope I'm not the only one to get this kind of attitude. If so, maybe I'm not a submissive at all? Maybe I was just looking for somewhere to be wanted, someone to show me some kind of attention.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Just Starting Out
I've recently decided to join the trend and start a blog. Why, I have no idea. Probably to help keep the creative juices flowing. How, that I truly don't know. So I'm probably just going to ramble most times.
I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I found myself interested in pursuing this life choice. When I stop to think, I've learned so much, but it doesn't seem like it's been so long. And- at the risk of rambling- it doesn't feel like I've learned anything at all. It just seems like there was a box, and I needed one special person to help me open it and explore the contents. We haven't even made a dent in the pile yet, either. On March 21, 2012, I will have been owned by Master for one full year. The feelings are indescribably intense.
I reread that conversation just today. Found myself panicking as I read howI asked to be his and to learn and to be taught by him. And breathing a sigh of relief at his shocked and delighted response. Just like one of those romance comedies where you know that the main character is going to say yes to the marriage proposal because you've seen it a billion times, but you still hold your breath and get excited anyways? Just like that. I was going to use a horror movie analogy, but 1-it was thrilling, not horrific, and 2-I don't watch horror movies.
That is all for tonight. I'll write more tomorrow, instead of studying, about how the relationship is progressing and how things are going in the present.
I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I found myself interested in pursuing this life choice. When I stop to think, I've learned so much, but it doesn't seem like it's been so long. And- at the risk of rambling- it doesn't feel like I've learned anything at all. It just seems like there was a box, and I needed one special person to help me open it and explore the contents. We haven't even made a dent in the pile yet, either. On March 21, 2012, I will have been owned by Master for one full year. The feelings are indescribably intense.
I reread that conversation just today. Found myself panicking as I read howI asked to be his and to learn and to be taught by him. And breathing a sigh of relief at his shocked and delighted response. Just like one of those romance comedies where you know that the main character is going to say yes to the marriage proposal because you've seen it a billion times, but you still hold your breath and get excited anyways? Just like that. I was going to use a horror movie analogy, but 1-it was thrilling, not horrific, and 2-I don't watch horror movies.
That is all for tonight. I'll write more tomorrow, instead of studying, about how the relationship is progressing and how things are going in the present.
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